Category Archives: Momma Needs a minute…

easy

Posted in Momma Needs a minute..., parenting apparently? by

not too long ago a phrase that i said to myself quite often was “why can’t anything ever be easy?” nothing ever seemed easy. in fact, the only thing that was easy in life was making myself feel horrible about myself and my life.

and then something changed. i changed. i stopped looking for everything to be easy and then suddenly, it was.

i realized that our world has programmed us to think life should be easy & “convenient.”  i realized that nothing ever worth anything in my life came from “easy”.  easy never put a dime in my pocket, a lesson in my head or a true smile in my heart. i started to take inventory of my life to see if the actions i habitually made were authentic ones that matched up to how i want to live my life or if they have been placed in my brain as a conventional, easy way of living life.

today i ride my bike everywhere i go, do my dishes by hand and hang our laundry on the line. why? because that matches up with how my authentic self wants to live life. my authentic self believes that i should take advantage of the energy my body provides and that i was not placed on this earth to be a consumer. i feel better when i put my energy out, not when i am using energy up to live my life.  some of this is unavoidable, for instance the energy to cool and heat our house. some of the energy is negotiable, say the energy it takes to write this blog post. i try to keep a better balance these days. i can feel the weariness in my body at the end of the day and know that it was a good one because i am now spending my life putting myself out there into the world. it’s an amazing feeling.

this post is not about convincing you that you should live life my way. it’s about convincing you you should live life your way.

i do these things because it is what my authentic, deepest self believes and some of these small changes in life have made me infinitely more happy with my life path. my life is simpler. my focus is true. my goals are more clear. and all i had to do was to start living my life the way i want to instead of what is expected of me. i’ve learned to stop comparing my insides to everyone’s outsides. i’ve learned to respect the paths of others because i respect my own. i fall off this horse a lot but at least now i get back on.

are you living the life you truly want? are you living the life you think is expected of you? are you making decisions based on your authenticity or is it to live up to some standard? whatever that may be.

i think my greatest lessons on this have been from parenting. are you a new parent? i want to tell you something: put down the parenting books.

YOU CAN DO THIS IN WHATEVER WAY SEEMS RIGHT AND GOOD TO YOU.

ok, now you can pick them back up again because there is actually some good information in there but please put that phrase in your head and remember to read the books as an exercise in discovering your own true philosophies and not as a manual. your babies and children don’t have to do anything one certain way. as long as you are making informed decisions based on your authentic self you and yours will be fine.

but that is not a guarantee just in case there would be some kind of legal liability attached to this blog. caution! contents hot!

this is just my experience and my opinion. this is what has made me happier and more confident as a parent and person of this world. parenting and life are not easy. nor should we want them to be. at least i no longer desire for them to be. i know i will get a whole lot more out of it if it requires a lot of effort on my part.

so i’ll be here, no longer expecting life to be easy. i’ll be putting my energy out there and making myself open to the returns. because i now know that “not easy” doesn’t have to mean the same thing as “difficult.”  i’m pretty sure some kind of bumper stick is going to come out of this.

i’m thinking LIFE: REQUIRES EFFORT.

how i’m spending my kid-free time

Posted in let me let me update ya, Momma Needs a minute... by

we’re only 2.5 days into darla being gone so i’m still at that phase of feeling i might *finger quotes* accidentally forget *finger quotes* to pick my child up in a few days. this phase directly precedes the phase of feeling lost, lonely and completely void of any life purpose without my child. yep, in a matter of 12 hours the change will set in. what can i say? parenting: making moms bipolar since…forever.

and i just want to say the next time one of you non-spawning people tell my you haven’t had time to do something i will look into your eyes, down into your soul and i will know you are LYING. childlessness provides all the time in the world!!!! i’m like scrooge mcduck backstroking through his vault of gold coins only instead of coins they are minutes and instead of a stingy duck i am me. big hair, big boobs ME swimming in a sea of time.

so here’s what i’ve been doing with myself:

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1. attending concerts – husbeau and i saw grizzly bear and xx one night and japandroids the next. we left japandroids early because we just were not digging it and i think this may be a first for us a couple.  2.  i’ve had more than one lovely bike ride everyday. it’s been simply perfect riding weather.  3. working in a beautiful space and catching up on some birthy reading once all my shop chores were finished. two jobs at one time!!  4. spending time at the library filling out my certification paperwork  5. catching some rays while i  6. take care of some ornery laundry and  7. pay attention to the other growing things for which i am responsible.

all this i’ve been doing while waiting on the call from a momma to let me know her baby is coming earthside! i love the anticipation part of my work.

i guess when darla is gone i’m prone to taking pictures of my legs. can’t say that i’m too ashamed because they’re the only legs i’ve got but it’s possible things will be more visibly stimulating when she gets back.

but until then i’m going to enjoy the peace and calm and excess free time. i might even do some front porch sittin‘ later and now that i think about it recreating this kid-free-zone for myself sounds pretty good too.

sending you positive vibes for a great weekend. happy friday everybodiez!

bad friend

Posted in Momma Needs a minute... by

i’ve come to the realization that i am a bad friend.

throughout my life i consider myself to have been blessed with many, many close friendships. i find it very easy to become intimate with people. i find it easy to love others immediately. but i look at my close personal relationships at the moment and i have to say they are few. i think of some of the really strong, loving friendships i had that existed not so long ago and am just really bummed to think about how long it has been since i’ve seen or spoken to that person. i feel really lonely so much of the time now. i can check off probably a hundred close friendships that now have distance in between the other person and i.

and the common thread in there is me. i am the one that creates this distance.

sometimes i laugh, actually laugh, at the fact that i was a communication and culture major. i am so horrible at communicating! i can not be counted on to communicate or be in touch with any frequency whatsoever. i do not know why. in this day and age when it’s easier now than ever to send someone a line of communication i am more horrible than ever about initiating a conversation.

i’ve also felt, for many years of my life that i am somehow always on the outside even in my close friendships. it feels that no one has ever needed my friendship the way they need the friendship of others. i see people who can’t go a day without talking with one another and i don’t remember being that for anyone. well, this also touches on another subject which is that i have the memory of someone twice my age so maybe i did and i just don’t remember but i just have had this decades long feeling of no one ever needing me. i’ve always fit in well at large group settings but i feel that i’m not often called on for a hangout just one on one. maybe something about my personality is easier to swallow in a group. i get it. i’m a little much for just one person to handle.

so, i’m in a place in my life now of looking and taking responsibility for that. i think i’ve really come to determine that i create distance and space between myself and other people and i don’t know why. i do have lots of friendships in my current life but somehow, someway i’ve not really let myself cross the threshold to making these relationships similar to the close-knit ones i had in my life pre-darla.  i’ll be asking the universe for help on this.

now we come to the part of this post where i address the reason i am writing this. YOU are probably {maybe?} one of the people i used to be close with and have now not heard from me in a long time. i am sorry. i truly am. i’ve received so much love and support from so many people over the years and my communication and reciprocation levels do not reflect that at all.  you might hear from me soon, out of the blue, and maybe not for an extended length of time {bc another practical factor here is i have a twirling spitfire that requests my undivided attention as she showcases leaping from one piece of furniture to the next} but i’ll be there to say hello and to let you know how much your friendship means to me.

so i’m afraid. now what?

Posted in Momma Needs a minute... by

i make a conscious effort not to be a fear-based person. at least i believe i’m really trying. i take risks and leaps of faith and i try not to let myself be afraid of obstacles that stand in my way.  as i see bank accounts stretched and big decisions on the horizon i can feel that old reflex kick in. that fear is hardwired in there and man, it’s a bitch.

to put it out there: this is not how i thought my life would be at the age of 30. i expected something different of myself. i think therein lies the problem. my actualities seldom match up with my idealities. i trip up really hard and fast over the idea of what i want from my life versus what my life is. an IS is an IS. i have to accept that.

i feel this fear is maddening because so much of it seems very counterintuitive to the person i am. much of it seems to be based around silly rules and guidelines the world has built up. sometimes it seems that moving towards our “dreams” is made so futile and unattainable in this world that i don’t understand why we tell our young people that it’s a possibility in the first place. is it to make ourselves feel better? is it to make things turn out better for them? is it something that is only true for some people? what is it. who gets to follow their dreams? who gets to create their destiny? please, point the person out. give me their facebook info because imma sit down and pick their brains on how they did it.

did you do it? are you doing it? are you really doing, and living, and creating the life of your dreams? what’s your story? maybe you’re there and you’ve moved beyond this fear somehow. if you’re on the other side and you’re a voice that can say “it’s all going to turn out ok” then do. i need it. we all need it. i feel that all WE hear any more is that it’s NOT going to be ok. and no one needs to hear that. has it ever been true? in the whole long history of the universe with the balance between joyful things and horrible heartbreak, has it ever really not been ok? life goes on. here i am coaching myself through the fear from just a few paragraphs back but i guess part of me needs to know that you know it’s all going to be ok, too. if we don’t live our lives according to some straight and narrow path, it is going to be ok.

we have to start believing that for each other. well, i guess i can’t go giving the world advice. i can start with me. i have to start believing that for myself.

ships outta port

Posted in advantageous adventures, Momma Needs a minute... by

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it has felt like we’re ships out of port for a long time now. even more so as time goes on. even more as we take more leaps of faith and we’re now both in pursuit of creating the life work of our dreams. it’s intimidating stuff.

but i have to remind myself that we were not built to be beings led by fear. we were not built to cower into complacency. i don’t believe that. i believe we were meant to take risks and test the universe, for only in this way is our faith and trust renewed and strengthened.

i bought this poster in the beginning of 2012. it’s funny and symbolic to me that i just let it sit around, not working to put it up until now. i’m admitting that i will need to see it daily during this next experimental phase of my adulthood. it’s up now and i feel it completes this eclectic space quite nicely. {hubster would want me to tell you that’s just the view of my side of the bed. his side has way manlier items tacked up on the wall. in fact, everything on his side of the wall is fabricated from crystalized testosterone.}

this quote feels extremely appropriate to the wife of a sailor who’s deciding to keep his feet on firm ground for a while.

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this quote actually resonates from an earlier part of my life and it’s funny how life circles back on itself. it makes me comforted to know that people, places and events are all placed in your life at the right time to teach you something important. i’d like the thank the person who first introduced me to this quote, if said person ever reads. you taught me a lot about taking risks and i wouldn’t be who i am today without you.

thanks to everyone who has supported me and my desire to do birth work. thanks to all the friends and family that have loved us and supported us through this last year. what a difference a year makes…

now, everyone, let’s go be ships.

overwhelmed

Posted in Momma Needs a minute... by

friends! the wruckers have a lot of opportunities and projects looming in the near future!

this means i’ve been feeling really, really overwhelmed lately. i don’t know if you know this BUT… life is hard.

fortunately i’ve learned to deal with this feeling in a new way. i’ve learned that feeling overwhelmed is infinitely better than feeling underwhelmed. i’ve learned to try to think of this overwhelming rush as growing pains.  when i feel like this, it’s most often because i’ve a fair amount of opportunities and projects on the horizon and i’m trying to will myself to somehow mentally solve the time crunch instead of taking it as it comes. i’ve learned to ask myself a grounding question such as “where are my feet right now?” and focus on the task that is at hand. this works really well when you find yourself staring into a sink of soapy water having gotten lost in a mental wonderland {wanderland?} and had all but forgotten what it was you were doing.

that being said, proper enthusiasm can now be applied. i look forward to sharing when the time is right.

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what is my message?

Posted in let me let me update ya, Momma Needs a minute... by

hi friends,

i’m fresh back from a really wonderful and beautiful celebration of life for my cousin. seriously, nobody does a wake like my family. i kept thinking to myself “is it irreverent how much i’m looking forward to this funeral?”  maybe. maybe not. but i can tell you that at the family dinner after the services i kept waiting for the dj to show up and everyone to start dancing. and i think my cousin would have wanted it to be EXACTLY like that. birth and death are sacred and it’s an honor to take place in a celebration of life the likes of this past weekend.

but, as i mentioned before it is now time to move forward with purpose.

and as to be expected the passing of my cousin has left questions and emotions floating around in various spaces of my body and i’m examining life a little more. part of that examination involves these writings, this blog.

what is my message? what do i want to accomplish with this space?

i can’t even recall why i started this blog. it might have been to have an outlet during my single-parenting days. it might have been a creative exercise. it might have been in hopes to become successful and make a small amount of money {cough yeah right cough} and help support my family. it was most likely because i think myself hilarious and all-knowing and thought the world NEEDED to hear my wit and wisdom. and maybe, just maybe, it was because i was lonely. maybe it’s because becoming a mother and a wife have been the hardest things i’ve ever had to do and i had to work on it through writing about it. i had to make it look pretty for myself so i didn’t feel like a failure at the two biggest roles of my life.

whatever the reasons for starting, i’m in it. 2 years in it and i’m reexamining my message and purpose. i think i’ve never had a clear idea of what i want this space to be. i’ve dabbled in lots of directions. it’s time to focus and make sure what i’m putting out there is a reflection of my life and message. i’ve fallen prey to watching to see what draws readers to my page. i think i’ve put stuff out there that might have betrayed my inner self, my organic inner self that is. my superficial self likes to shop and posts about buying stuff. but my organic inner self knows that i have all that i need. i hope i’ve become more of a reflection of that in this space.

so what will this space be about?:

my family. earthy and birthy inspiration. love. spiritual connection. giving my child experiences instead of material items. my parenting evolution. supporting and sharing that which i believe in. wild and crazy things my girl does and says. hopefully more travel and music. my efforts to live environmentally conscious.  and stuff that i think might make you think i’m cool….really.

i ask you to help me keep this space authentic. if i write something that strikes a chord {or a discord} please voice yourself in my comments and make yourself a part of my space. if i write something you like, please share with others. if i write something that seems like i’m being a big tool bag, call me on it. if i write something that leads you to judge me and makes you shake your head at my far out thinking then I invite you to do just that. for some reason you need room to do that in your life and just possibly through reading my heartfelt words we’ll all become a little more open in the head and the heart. if i write something that sounds like i’m trying to sell you a t-shirt…buy a t-shirt. seriously, i need some of you to buy some t-shirts.

in closing i would like to thank those of you who read regularly, or even occasionally. really, anyone who’s ever stopped by this site EVER. weeeeee! oh except for the people from serbia that arrive here from googling “naked little girl.” i do not thank you. no, i don’t. but the rest of you are gems. i appreciate your reading and being a part of this project of mine. and it’s ok that you read it. it’s so funny to me the teensy amount of embarrassment folks have when they admit to me they read my blog. rest assured one thing that has always been and will always be true of elaine tucker: i love attention. you will never have to apologize for paying attention to me and my life doings. you may not even have a choice. i will not go away until you do.

it’s become clear to me it’s time to end this post. thank you. i love you. and…i love myself. bye!