this can’t be that blog

i’ve been blogging now for quite some time. my voice has ebbed and flowed along the way but at the current moment i feel strong in my narratives with this blog. i spend a good deal of time looking at blogs around these interwebs and have a handful of regular reads. my interests for blogs seem to be wide-reaching but in essence they’re all the same: mom blogs. or lady blogs. there are so many blogs out there, i get excited when i stumble upon a new one that i actually like and feel a connection with.

and i get bummed when i stumble upon one that i think is gonna be great…because it looks great…pretty pics and whatevs…and then the content is severely lacking. the blogs i feel the most connected to are the ones that really tell the story of the person behind the pages. i don’t dig blogs filled with DIYs and recipes. do people really read blogs for those things? don’t get me wrong, the blogs i follow most closely include those things occasionally but the meat of it lies in the writing and the storytelling. that’s the purpose of a personal blog, right?

well, to each his/her own. i guess i have no authority to make sweeping judgements about what should and should not go into a personal blog. i am voicing my preference and where my connections lie.

and i know that even though things like DIYs and product reviews can make a blog successful, this can’t be a blog like that. this space is here for me to tell my story. maybe this space can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

but it can be my cup of tea.  i’m not ashamed to say i really love creating this blog. i feel like i’m just starting to scratch the surface of giving what i can to these words and posts. i look back at my posts from certain points over the years and wonder “who was that person? where was my voice?” and it reminds me of how lost i’ve been at times on this journey. i’m thankful to feel grounded and confident in putting myself out there at this point in time and i want to capture that. whether it be by exposing my blossoming belly or my burgeoning soul, i’m going to put ME in these posts.

and i hope that in years to come i’ll look back and be so much more proud of that than i would have entries about cheese dip.

although…i do have a great recipe for cheese dip…

{and as always, thanks for reading and allowing me to tell my story. i hope i’ve not let either of us down thus far.}

this is for me

this is a reminder. it’s a reminder that this space is for me.

i know many of the people who are a part of my non-internet based life are not supportive of this blog and my efforts in writing it. and that is ok. because this is a reminder that i don’t write this blog or keep this space for them. i keep this blog for me.

this may be the only place in my life over which i have complete control. i can decide what it should look like. i can decide what to share. i decide what i want to remember and i can put an extended piece of myself into these pages. i have an outlet for creativity and thought in the midst of a life that feels like it’s comprised mostly by mundane house chores and fulfilling the wants and needs of tiny people. i like writing this blog. and i’ve fortunately been brought up in such a way as to know that if i like doing something then i can go ahead and keep on doing it.

i realize how silly it is to go through life taking selfies of outfits and millions of pictures of my daughter. but i don’t really care! because the truth is that if i didn’t take any pictures of me then no one else would. it’s really easy to feel invisible in your own life as a stay-at-home mom. i don’t want to feel invisible in my own life. i’m very much an active participant. and guess what, i like myself and i want some record of how i looked and felt and what i dreamed about while folding laundry and driving to dance classes.

so, i’m going to keep on doing it. i like writing and i like sharing.  and occasionally someone in the real world tells me how much they enjoy following and yeah, that feels so freaking cool. i’m not going to lie about that. it’s a nice ego boost. but i have to remember that if they like it then that is for them. it speaks for them. not for me. if something i put down in these words reaches out and grabs something in another human then i’m not responsible for what was inside them that whole time. it’s simply a mutual appreciation. and i’m thoroughly grateful to those of you who’ve reached out over the years and expressed a mutual appreciation over some of the things i’ve put down in this space.

i’ve been going back through this blog in the past week cleaning out old posts and re-reading some of what i put here. some of it i’m not so proud or enthused about. i think that most of those times i was getting away from what the purpose of this blog is supposed to be. but there is so, so much that i’m very proud of, so much that i’m glad is here for others and for my family to maybe go through some day and remember the simply beautiful existence we were entrusted with together.

so, yeah, this is a reminder. and this reminder isn’t for you. it’s for me. it’s a reminder TO ME that this space is FOR ME.

and that makes me so completely lucky to be able to share it with other wonderful humans.

what is my message?

hi friends,

i’m fresh back from a really wonderful and beautiful celebration of life for my cousin. seriously, nobody does a wake like my family. i kept thinking to myself “is it irreverent how much i’m looking forward to this funeral?”  maybe. maybe not. but i can tell you that at the family dinner after the services i kept waiting for the dj to show up and everyone to start dancing. and i think my cousin would have wanted it to be EXACTLY like that. birth and death are sacred and it’s an honor to take place in a celebration of life the likes of this past weekend.

but, as i mentioned before it is now time to move forward with purpose.

and as to be expected the passing of my cousin has left questions and emotions floating around in various spaces of my body and i’m examining life a little more. part of that examination involves these writings, this blog.

what is my message? what do i want to accomplish with this space?

i can’t even recall why i started this blog. it might have been to have an outlet during my single-parenting days. it might have been a creative exercise. it might have been in hopes to become successful and make a small amount of money {cough yeah right cough} and help support my family. it was most likely because i think myself hilarious and all-knowing and thought the world NEEDED to hear my wit and wisdom. and maybe, just maybe, it was because i was lonely. maybe it’s because becoming a mother and a wife have been the hardest things i’ve ever had to do and i had to work on it through writing about it. i had to make it look pretty for myself so i didn’t feel like a failure at the two biggest roles of my life.

whatever the reasons for starting, i’m in it. 2 years in it and i’m reexamining my message and purpose. i think i’ve never had a clear idea of what i want this space to be. i’ve dabbled in lots of directions. it’s time to focus and make sure what i’m putting out there is a reflection of my life and message. i’ve fallen prey to watching to see what draws readers to my page. i think i’ve put stuff out there that might have betrayed my inner self, my organic inner self that is. my superficial self likes to shop and posts about buying stuff. but my organic inner self knows that i have all that i need. i hope i’ve become more of a reflection of that in this space.

so what will this space be about?:

my family. earthy and birthy inspiration. love. spiritual connection. giving my child experiences instead of material items. my parenting evolution. supporting and sharing that which i believe in. wild and crazy things my girl does and says. hopefully more travel and music. my efforts to live environmentally conscious.  and stuff that i think might make you think i’m cool….really.

i ask you to help me keep this space authentic. if i write something that strikes a chord {or a discord} please voice yourself in my comments and make yourself a part of my space. if i write something you like, please share with others. if i write something that seems like i’m being a big tool bag, call me on it. if i write something that leads you to judge me and makes you shake your head at my far out thinking then I invite you to do just that. for some reason you need room to do that in your life and just possibly through reading my heartfelt words we’ll all become a little more open in the head and the heart. if i write something that sounds like i’m trying to sell you a t-shirt…buy a t-shirt. seriously, i need some of you to buy some t-shirts.

in closing i would like to thank those of you who read regularly, or even occasionally. really, anyone who’s ever stopped by this site EVER. weeeeee! oh except for the people from serbia that arrive here from googling “naked little girl.” i do not thank you. no, i don’t. but the rest of you are gems. i appreciate your reading and being a part of this project of mine. and it’s ok that you read it. it’s so funny to me the teensy amount of embarrassment folks have when they admit to me they read my blog. rest assured one thing that has always been and will always be true of elaine tucker: i love attention. you will never have to apologize for paying attention to me and my life doings. you may not even have a choice. i will not go away until you do.

it’s become clear to me it’s time to end this post. thank you. i love you. and…i love myself. bye!