so i’m afraid. now what?

i make a conscious effort not to be a fear-based person. at least i believe i’m really trying. i take risks and leaps of faith and i try not to let myself be afraid of obstacles that stand in my way.  as i see bank accounts stretched and big decisions on the horizon i can feel that old reflex kick in. that fear is hardwired in there and man, it’s a bitch.

to put it out there: this is not how i thought my life would be at the age of 30. i expected something different of myself. i think therein lies the problem. my actualities seldom match up with my idealities. i trip up really hard and fast over the idea of what i want from my life versus what my life is. an IS is an IS. i have to accept that.

i feel this fear is maddening because so much of it seems very counterintuitive to the person i am. much of it seems to be based around silly rules and guidelines the world has built up. sometimes it seems that moving towards our “dreams” is made so futile and unattainable in this world that i don’t understand why we tell our young people that it’s a possibility in the first place. is it to make ourselves feel better? is it to make things turn out better for them? is it something that is only true for some people? what is it. who gets to follow their dreams? who gets to create their destiny? please, point the person out. give me their facebook info because imma sit down and pick their brains on how they did it.

did you do it? are you doing it? are you really doing, and living, and creating the life of your dreams? what’s your story? maybe you’re there and you’ve moved beyond this fear somehow. if you’re on the other side and you’re a voice that can say “it’s all going to turn out ok” then do. i need it. we all need it. i feel that all WE hear any more is that it’s NOT going to be ok. and no one needs to hear that. has it ever been true? in the whole long history of the universe with the balance between joyful things and horrible heartbreak, has it ever really not been ok? life goes on. here i am coaching myself through the fear from just a few paragraphs back but i guess part of me needs to know that you know it’s all going to be ok, too. if we don’t live our lives according to some straight and narrow path, it is going to be ok.

we have to start believing that for each other. well, i guess i can’t go giving the world advice. i can start with me. i have to start believing that for myself.


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