so i’m afraid. now what?

i make a conscious effort not to be a fear-based person. at least i believe i’m really trying. i take risks and leaps of faith and i try not to let myself be afraid of obstacles that stand in my way.  as i see bank accounts stretched and big decisions on the horizon i can feel that old reflex kick in. that fear is hardwired in there and man, it’s a bitch.

to put it out there: this is not how i thought my life would be at the age of 30. i expected something different of myself. i think therein lies the problem. my actualities seldom match up with my idealities. i trip up really hard and fast over the idea of what i want from my life versus what my life is. an IS is an IS. i have to accept that.

i feel this fear is maddening because so much of it seems very counterintuitive to the person i am. much of it seems to be based around silly rules and guidelines the world has built up. sometimes it seems that moving towards our “dreams” is made so futile and unattainable in this world that i don’t understand why we tell our young people that it’s a possibility in the first place. is it to make ourselves feel better? is it to make things turn out better for them? is it something that is only true for some people? what is it. who gets to follow their dreams? who gets to create their destiny? please, point the person out. give me their facebook info because imma sit down and pick their brains on how they did it.

did you do it? are you doing it? are you really doing, and living, and creating the life of your dreams? what’s your story? maybe you’re there and you’ve moved beyond this fear somehow. if you’re on the other side and you’re a voice that can say “it’s all going to turn out ok” then do. i need it. we all need it. i feel that all WE hear any more is that it’s NOT going to be ok. and no one needs to hear that. has it ever been true? in the whole long history of the universe with the balance between joyful things and horrible heartbreak, has it ever really not been ok? life goes on. here i am coaching myself through the fear from just a few paragraphs back but i guess part of me needs to know that you know it’s all going to be ok, too. if we don’t live our lives according to some straight and narrow path, it is going to be ok.

we have to start believing that for each other. well, i guess i can’t go giving the world advice. i can start with me. i have to start believing that for myself.

ships outta port

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it has felt like we’re ships out of port for a long time now. even more so as time goes on. even more as we take more leaps of faith and we’re now both in pursuit of creating the life work of our dreams. it’s intimidating stuff.

but i have to remind myself that we were not built to be beings led by fear. we were not built to cower into complacency. i don’t believe that. i believe we were meant to take risks and test the universe, for only in this way is our faith and trust renewed and strengthened.

i bought this poster in the beginning of 2012. it’s funny and symbolic to me that i just let it sit around, not working to put it up until now. i’m admitting that i will need to see it daily during this next experimental phase of my adulthood. it’s up now and i feel it completes this eclectic space quite nicely. {hubster would want me to tell you that’s just the view of my side of the bed. his side has way manlier items tacked up on the wall. in fact, everything on his side of the wall is fabricated from crystalized testosterone.}

this quote feels extremely appropriate to the wife of a sailor who’s deciding to keep his feet on firm ground for a while.

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this quote actually resonates from an earlier part of my life and it’s funny how life circles back on itself. it makes me comforted to know that people, places and events are all placed in your life at the right time to teach you something important. i’d like the thank the person who first introduced me to this quote, if said person ever reads. you taught me a lot about taking risks and i wouldn’t be who i am today without you.

thanks to everyone who has supported me and my desire to do birth work. thanks to all the friends and family that have loved us and supported us through this last year. what a difference a year makes…

now, everyone, let’s go be ships.