bad friend

i’ve come to the realization that i am a bad friend.

throughout my life i consider myself to have been blessed with many, many close friendships. i find it very easy to become intimate with people. i find it easy to love others immediately. but i look at my close personal relationships at the moment and i have to say they are few. i think of some of the really strong, loving friendships i had that existed not so long ago and am just really bummed to think about how long it has been since i’ve seen or spoken to that person. i feel really lonely so much of the time now. i can check off probably a hundred close friendships that now have distance in between the other person and i.

and the common thread in there is me. i am the one that creates this distance.

sometimes i laugh, actually laugh, at the fact that i was a communication and culture major. i am so horrible at communicating! i can not be counted on to communicate or be in touch with any frequency whatsoever. i do not know why. in this day and age when it’s easier now than ever to send someone a line of communication i am more horrible than ever about initiating a conversation.

i’ve also felt, for many years of my life that i am somehow always on the outside even in my close friendships. it feels that no one has ever needed my friendship the way they need the friendship of others. i see people who can’t go a day without talking with one another and i don’t remember being that for anyone. well, this also touches on another subject which is that i have the memory of someone twice my age so maybe i did and i just don’t remember but i just have had this decades long feeling of no one ever needing me. i’ve always fit in well at large group settings but i feel that i’m not often called on for a hangout just one on one. maybe something about my personality is easier to swallow in a group. i get it. i’m a little much for just one person to handle.

so, i’m in a place in my life now of looking and taking responsibility for that. i think i’ve really come to determine that i create distance and space between myself and other people and i don’t know why. i do have lots of friendships in my current life but somehow, someway i’ve not really let myself cross the threshold to making these relationships similar to the close-knit ones i had in my life pre-darla.  i’ll be asking the universe for help on this.

now we come to the part of this post where i address the reason i am writing this. YOU are probably {maybe?} one of the people i used to be close with and have now not heard from me in a long time. i am sorry. i truly am. i’ve received so much love and support from so many people over the years and my communication and reciprocation levels do not reflect that at all.  you might hear from me soon, out of the blue, and maybe not for an extended length of time {bc another practical factor here is i have a twirling spitfire that requests my undivided attention as she showcases leaping from one piece of furniture to the next} but i’ll be there to say hello and to let you know how much your friendship means to me.

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