Category Archives: Momma Needs a minute…

death bread

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i turned into the aisle. it was cold. the lights above shone down harshly, foreshadowing the weight and finality of the decision i was about to make. the bare shelves of the aisle seemed as bones to me, bones left out in the sun as a warning to others that to take this path meant certain ruin.

i glanced down the aisle, a deserted, barren wasteland of a place where few others dared to venture anymore. one lone sole stood huddled close to the shelves at the other end. i willed myself to place one foot in front of the other, slowly, surely, cautiously casting glances to what was surrounding me. i was approaching a young gentleman wearing black-rimmed glasses with just a touch of grey peppering his temples. he picked up a loaf, squeezed it ever so gently and then lifted it to his nose and took a small whiff in. he was too engrossed in this monumental task to notice my witness until i was almost upon him.

suddenly his eyes looked up and met mine. “which…which one do i choose?” his slightly, panic-glazed eyes said to mine. “i thought you would know” my round, searching eyes answered back. “me? i thought you would know!” his eyes answered. but they had changed into the wild, roving eyes an animal wears when it’s backed into a corner. “no! you were the one who was supposed to know!” my eyes shouted back.

and then we stood there, eyes locked for just a second as the sadness and emptiness washed over us. we stood there, staring into the pupils of a stranger as we realized the cold truth our eyes echoed back to each other “no one knows what kind of bread to buy.”

finally, our gaze broke. this interaction had really only lasted on the verge of 2 seconds but it had seemed like an eternity. we hurriedly glanced away, wanting to hide from the pain – whole wheat, multi grain, gluten-free, organic…it didn’t matter. the harsh reality has been revealed to us: that by feeding our families bread we are feeding them poison and there is no escaping it.

the gravity of this set upon me and my pace quickened. i could not reason my way out of this aisle. i could not stop my thoughts from racing and my heart was keeping pace. and then it happened:

my heart exploded and i died right there on the floor of that aisle.

the research is true: BREAD KILLS.

how i spent a lone weekend

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i spent this previous long weekend by myself. literally, i was by myself for 2.5 days. it was all kinds of glorious.

well, to be honest i was pretty down about being all alone for the entirety of the weekend. i had been envisioning some free time to hang out with friends and maybe go out but i really ended up sleeping and watching bad tv most of the time. i got some extra hours in at work and some time on my own projects and caught up on reading, all of which were important and necessary.

once i was able to distance myself from my expectations for the weekend things turned around for me. i have the bad habit of expecting life to be something other than what it is instead of accepting that the way things go down are exactly as they need to be. how much better off would i have been if i had been able to accept the fact that i was going to spend the weekend almost completely alone instead of pouting that i had no plans?

because all in all i had a pretty good time by myself. i think what i turned up is that i need some work on being ok with being alone. i need to work on being my own best friend. i think i need to conduct a committment ceremony to myself. in times that i am lonely, i’ll be my own best friend. i can tell you that my path might have been much truer if i had committed to myself at an earlier age.

but here are a few things i did, which are not extravagant or exciting but they are special and important to me:

1. spent some hours in a very pretty space  2. participated in the local rally to improve birth  3. admired the sunflowers  4. found new paths to hike  5. harvested our tomato bounty  6. snuggled in front of our george harrison grotto and watched the concert for bangladesh for the first time. soooo good.

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the processing and unpacking process

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reading up on unschooling has given me one extremely important lesson: downtime is of the utmost importance.

one of the books i’m reading explained that for every 2 hours of activity or focused attention the brain needs 1 hour of rest and relaxation to process and unpack all the things it has learned. without downtime your brain will not file things away properly.

this explains so much about my inadequate memory.

i’ve lived much of my life running from one activity to the next. i’ve spent years of my life feeling guilty if i’m not constantly busy. i can now see why this way of life has left me missing out on details and memories stored improperly, if at all.

i’ve denied myself of vital downtime over the years. who can blame me? the rest of society and the world is doing the same thing.

what if i just laid down to stare at the ceiling for an hour after work, a meeting or prenatal session with a client? it would be so nice getting the downtime and feeling off-the-hook about it because it is necessary for my brain to unpack that information.

sweet!

i’ve been trying to put this more in to practice this week. i’ve instilled a 15 minute downtime rule after we come home from being out on errands or an outing. for the first 15 minutes we just sit quietly and be. i don’t jump into any duties or chores or ANYTHING until i’ve just chilled out for 15 minutes. i can’t even begin to tell you how much this has helped my week.

of course i can’t control darla. she still scampers off but i’ve made it clear that the first 15 minutes at home should be a quiet time where my attention is not available until after the timer goes off.
and that’s where the best part comes in. most of the time she’s taken it upon herself to get into a quiet activity that continues after those 15 min. today she actually sat down beside me and rested for a few minutes, being still, just breathing.

wish me luck in keeping this practice going in our house. i feel the evidence thus far shows that good habits and practices are being learned from the experiment.

blog blah

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i’ve lacked serious motivation here on the blog as of late. i suppose i need to just admit that it hasn’t been a priority in the past couple weeks.

i’ve been struggling with many of the thoughts and emotions swirling around in this one body. i feel like i’ve been in such a state of limbo for far too long.

i’m thankful to have a friend that reminds me that it’s ok to dream and envision the life i want for myself. i’m glad to have someone to remind me that my goals and life vision are attainable. i have a fault of telling myself that the way i want my life to be is not possible. the reality is that i want a simple, small life and there is no reason based in fact that i should tell myself i can’t have the life i want.

it will just require a lot of courage, strength, and faith. faith that if i keep plucking away i’ll get to where i’m meant to be.

i’m glad to have someone to remind me that i’m capable of great things. i’m smart and loving and open and capable. these are things i forget about myself often. these are things that not everyone possesses within them and they are unique, positive attributes of mine.

do you know what my biggest demon is? loneliness.

do you think that is yours? one of the most brilliant things i’ve heard in a long time is “life is all about how you manage your loneliness.” it’s stuck with me. i’ve been thinking a lot about the ways i handle mine and i know it’s an area that needs changing. i’m happy to have the moment of clarity and awareness to figure out how to work on that part of my personhood.

thank you for reading this blog. sometimes it makes me feel less alone. sometimes it makes me feel more alone. sometimes it feels like another area of my life i poor effort into with little returns but maybe i need to stop focusing on the returns. i’ve been changing my focus of my life into being more of a producer and less of a consumer. this blog is one area where i can consistently produce something, even if it is just some mediocre writing with a few iphone pics for a handful of readers.

because that’s enough for right now.

today

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today i feel like the mom who yells too much.

the mom that doesn’t get enough done.

the woman that doesn’t love herself just the way she is.

a woman mourning the girl inside her. the girl that still believes her life is going to be something grand. the girl that believes it will be something that it is not.

today i feel like the woman who cannot see the small successes, only the big failures.

today i feel like the girl who misses her family. i feel like the girl longing to go home.

i feel like the mom who can’t stop worrying about being good enough for her child.

i feel like the woman who is trying to be good at everything and failing miserably.

deep breaths.

i think i’m going to have to put some redirection into this blog or give up on it. it’s something i love but i’ve found myself wondering too much lately about how to get more people to read it because i want to make money off it because i’ve found myself in a financial sink hole and i’m desperate.

and it turns out only a moderate number of humans want to read it anyway.

so i’m going to stop writing it for you.

i need to start writing it for me. because what i really want is something that darla and i can look back on in years to come and remember when. and if other people read it, then that’s ok. if they don’t that’s ok.

i’m sorry i fell into that trap and i’m sorry that i took you there with me.

there are parts of this blog that i write for others and i definitely want to keep those going but it’s time for an overhaul.

it’s time for an overhaul of so much more than just this blog but this is a good starting point.

more deep breaths. here we go.

“my house felt chunky”

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the air felt smooth and warm. the smell of frankincense was heavy in the air. the house rang with the clear notes of the bell. i walked in a line with 4 women and 3 children exploring each corner in the house. my intention was clear in my mind. i asked, as we moved from room to room, that every good memory be sealed up in the hearts of all that had been there. i asked that any bad energy flow from the house and dissipate. i asked for peace and serenity within those walls for all that would come after.

this was my first experience with cleansing a house. please don’t confuse this with cleaning a house and get grossed out by that last sentence. this was a cleansing. it was entirely different.

the energy cleansing of our dear friends’ house was an amazing experience. i kept looking at our little ones, as they had their energy cleansed, and sent up little prayers to please let them remember this experience always. they were so tuned in and curious during parts of the ceremony and i hope it will make a lasting memory for each of them. so many memories are within those walls. many of them already forgotten by the kiddos.

i felt so fortunate and honored to be a part of such an occasion.

it is weird to have such an emotional connection to a house that was not even your own.

but then again, if you’re doing it right your home will feel like home to everyone who enters and these people definitely do it right.

i watched kiddos grow from babies to toddlers to kindergarteners in that house. there’s a magic there for me that cannot be described. and now our friends have moved on, really, officially. while they still owned the house it was easy to pretend that someday they would be back but it is permanent now. they have moved on and i am still here, stagnant.

when the ceremony began the house felt different. the consistency of the air felt patchy, fluctuating from cold to hot. meg summed it up post-cleansing: “my house felt chunky.” it was crazy to feel the transformation that took place with the energy inside the house. you may not believe, and that’s alright. you don’t have to.

i’m so thankful for the experience, the friendship, the memories, the ways people and life continue to expand my consciousness of the world around me. it’s sealed up in my heart now in a way that it wasn’t before.

thank you, friends.

what i want for my life

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do you ever sit back and compare what your life was like a year ago? two years? five?

i find myself doing that often. especially in this past year. 2012 & 2013 were years that kinda flipped the script on me for reasons i can’t delve into on the internet. it’s the internet! you already know too much about me as it is.

but i can say that one of the big changes in our household is our financial status. that’s no secret. i’ve talked about being poor again on here previously. i’ve always lived a life of modest means. my needs were met but nothing too extravagant until sometime in my mid 20s. i made a really good salary and i met and married a man who made a good salary. i experienced a few short years of abundant income, even in my decision to leave full-time employment. most often we had more money than we could spend and i was diligently squirreling money away for a rainy day.

and then the rainy days came, rainy weeks, going on a rainy year. thank goodness for that diligence.

so now you find our family very much like so many others, scraping by, making it but just barely. i have questioned this season in my life and have come to a realization of its purpose: to show me how to live the life i really want.

and to show me that the life i dream of living is valid and important.

after careful thought and inventory, i have to admit that i wasn’t living the type of life i desire before. i wasn’t being authentic and it was making me terribly unhappy. isn’t it funny how less money often equals more happiness? i could get into a list of reasons why this is but i’m sure you know them. even if you’re a sitting pretty, scrooge mcduck doing back strokes through your sacagaweas you still know deep down that money distracts and deters.

being poor makes you focus on the important things in life. it makes you question what you really need to be happy. you can’t focus on what you want. you have to focus on what you need.

sometimes i feel pressure to go out and take any old job that i’m qualified for to force a solution to some of the problems but then i stop myself and think about what i really want my life to be about and i am overcome with the strong, sure feeling that my life needs to be about less and not more. the answer is not to go out and make more money. it is to eliminate things from my life that are energy, monetary and time sucks.

because here’s the thing: i’m the happiest and most fulfilled with my life’s work that i can ever remember.

if i had to architect a perfect life’s work for myself i could sit back right now and laugh at myself for my worries because i’m already there. i’m doing it. I spend every day with my daughter and that is the most important thing to me and it always has been. i remember having these thoughts in high school and feeling guilty that i didn’t have strong career aspirations because what i really saw myself doing was being with my family, tending a garden, running an efficient household. but that seemed so anti-feminist at the time. well, and figure in that i was nowhere near home & baby making at that time. i wanted to see and experience life first.

but i know that i’ve always had this in me. i’ve always dreamt of this life. i’ve always wanted my life to be about mothering and babies and living a sustainable existence, living simply, living free.

i’m with my girl. i help women become mothers and men become fathers. i educate darla with life and adventure. i am conscientious about my connection to this earth and take that into consideration with every purchase and action i take. i am lucky enough to have a part-time job that believes in what i do and i believe in what they do. that job even aligns with my earthy sensibilities. and i get to write here. this pays me nothing but it sure gives me an outlet and i treat it like a job. because some day i hope it will be.

i love writing this blog and i love having you read it. i hope my readers can see that this blog isn’t about telling you how to live your life. i can’t give you ideas and how-to’s on putting together a dashing ensemble. i can’t give you crafty instructions for throwing amazing parties. i can’t give you recipes that are going to wow your family and nourish them. even though you will find those things on here from time to time, you won’t find that sort of instruction here on the reg.

the only thing i can offer to you, readers, is myself. i can only offer you how i live my life and my feelings and thoughts about that. i can offer you my desires and my mistakes. i can offer you the hilariousness of my daughter that gets me from one day to the next. i can offer you my struggles. and i can offer you the ideas and strides i am making towards creating the life that i’m passionate about.

so, what i want from my life is simplicity, peace, love, happiness and adventure. i want fewer things and more experiences. i want to live a life in accordance with my connection to the earth and my fellow human beings. i want a life that is focused less on how much money is in my bank account and more on that feeling of fulfillment i have that has settled down into my core because i’m doing exactly what i want with my life {although i wish i could do it a little more frequently. expecting columbus couples, give columbus birth arts a chance!}

awww gosh, i never know how to finish posts like this. maybe i’ll just end it by saying thank you. i’ll end it that way because it applies in every possible way in my life and to so many people. yes, that’s perfect:

thank you.

momshortz

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can i wear these?

i broke out my cut-offs today and immediately after putting them on went into questioning “i’m a mom and i’m 30. can i still wear these?”

i’ve had them since college and even though cut-offs have a certain connotation i feel this is underplayed by the prarie lace i sewed on the pockets about 10 years ago. this means when i put them on i look 10 years younger, yes?

no.

the thing is, i don’t think i’m fat. i don’t feel fat. i’ve got a few extra pounds on me like everyone else but when i look at myself i don’t think it’s an obscene sight for me to be in them. but i have that gut feeling that says i’m too old and too fat and too mom to wear them.

but then again maybe it’s more of a reaction to the fact that i often look at pictures of myself years later and think “who let me wear that?”

am i making this more complicated than need be? is it really ok for me to wear my cutoffs even in my 30s? what does being a mom have to do with it? why is that in there in my brain? why is there societal mom guilt that I should dress different now that I’m a mom? should i dress different? would it really be better if i did dress different b/c…am i kidding myself here?

i don’t have the answer yet. i wore them today and it felt alright. so i do know that. maybe i should just enjoy one last year in them because wearing cutoffs at 31 would really be pushing it…

but seriously someone tell me if i can still wear these. thanks.

daily moment

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i love that my little girl grabs a bumbershoot and galloshes {can you tell i’m feeling very retro at the moment?} and heads out for a good time during a rainstorm. i dislike that my first reaction is to try and control it and think how this activity will interfere with my routine. she lives life in the moment and each moment to the fullest. please, universe remind me not to squash this out of her.

supported

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given that my chosen profession is one based entirely in support, i know the impact good support can make in someone’s life.

when i think back critically on my personal timeline i can see that the most successful times in my life were those times of abundant support. and i’m not talking dollar signs success, i’m talking about feeling fulfilled. i’m talking about those times when you look in the mirror and say “you know what i’m really good at? LIFE.”

you have done that before right? someone? yes?

ahem.

well, i want to divert from the usual positive place that this blogspace resides in. explanation: this blog is my collection of happy. it really serves as a tool to remind me of the things i’m being successful at in my current life because i need it. i need the reminders or i will feel like a total failure in so many areas. i have those moments of self-doubt like whoa.

while it may not look like it on this blog, the truth is this past year of life has been pretty dang hard. actually, quite a number of years have been rough. i’ve determined that one of the reasons i’ve not been as successful in my current life is that i’m still not letting myself build a strong support network. and also, maybe i need to change my attitude about what success in my life will look like from here on out but mainly it’s because i just feel a lack of support.

and i feel that i’ve been lacking in supporting those around me. in short, i still don’t have a tribe. well, the tribe i have right now are busy individuals with families, just like me, and it can be really hard to squeeze in quality friend time. but then i see that other families have created their tribe so i don’t know that i really have that excuse. i think i put barriers up. i think i give myself excuses as to why i can’t do this or that and create an unsupportive frame of mind.

what does support mean to you?

i’ll tell you what it means to me: someone genuinely inquiring about your life and the things you’re going through. someone who tells you that your thoughts and feelings are valid, even if your support person does not see things the same way as you. someone who is there to listen and share even when times are rough, not just when life is peachy. someone who can show you empathy. someone who makes you feel you are worth their time. someone who lets you know by their simple actions that they like you as a person and think you’re worthwhile.

i’m working on becoming more self-supporting. i am finding, little by little, that in order for me to become more supportive of myself i have to extend it to others. if i focus only on meeting my own needs i become a self-centered, ego-driven mess. during the times of success in my life, i was not only receiving support but i was abundantly giving it away as well.

giving away your support is tricky. you have to find the right people to be your receivers, otherwise you’ll done-dry up. i’ve been in that space before. my successful times were those in which i had found {or in the early part of my life was simply blessed with the universe placing them in my life} relationships that were truly reciprocal. you also have to be a good receiver. and that’s where i’m struggling, i think.

support is clearly a big deal in my life. it’s my profession. it’s my savior. it’s my lifeline. it’s an area of life i spend a lot of time in and one that i know i need to do continuous work to maintain a healthy balance.