given that my chosen profession is one based entirely in support, i know the impact good support can make in someone’s life.
when i think back critically on my personal timeline i can see that the most successful times in my life were those times of abundant support. and i’m not talking dollar signs success, i’m talking about feeling fulfilled. i’m talking about those times when you look in the mirror and say “you know what i’m really good at? LIFE.”
you have done that before right? someone? yes?
ahem.
well, i want to divert from the usual positive place that this blogspace resides in. explanation: this blog is my collection of happy. it really serves as a tool to remind me of the things i’m being successful at in my current life because i need it. i need the reminders or i will feel like a total failure in so many areas. i have those moments of self-doubt like whoa.
while it may not look like it on this blog, the truth is this past year of life has been pretty dang hard. actually, quite a number of years have been rough. i’ve determined that one of the reasons i’ve not been as successful in my current life is that i’m still not letting myself build a strong support network. and also, maybe i need to change my attitude about what success in my life will look like from here on out but mainly it’s because i just feel a lack of support.
and i feel that i’ve been lacking in supporting those around me. in short, i still don’t have a tribe. well, the tribe i have right now are busy individuals with families, just like me, and it can be really hard to squeeze in quality friend time. but then i see that other families have created their tribe so i don’t know that i really have that excuse. i think i put barriers up. i think i give myself excuses as to why i can’t do this or that and create an unsupportive frame of mind.
what does support mean to you?
i’ll tell you what it means to me: someone genuinely inquiring about your life and the things you’re going through. someone who tells you that your thoughts and feelings are valid, even if your support person does not see things the same way as you. someone who is there to listen and share even when times are rough, not just when life is peachy. someone who can show you empathy. someone who makes you feel you are worth their time. someone who lets you know by their simple actions that they like you as a person and think you’re worthwhile.
i’m working on becoming more self-supporting. i am finding, little by little, that in order for me to become more supportive of myself i have to extend it to others. if i focus only on meeting my own needs i become a self-centered, ego-driven mess. during the times of success in my life, i was not only receiving support but i was abundantly giving it away as well.
giving away your support is tricky. you have to find the right people to be your receivers, otherwise you’ll done-dry up. i’ve been in that space before. my successful times were those in which i had found {or in the early part of my life was simply blessed with the universe placing them in my life} relationships that were truly reciprocal. you also have to be a good receiver. and that’s where i’m struggling, i think.
support is clearly a big deal in my life. it’s my profession. it’s my savior. it’s my lifeline. it’s an area of life i spend a lot of time in and one that i know i need to do continuous work to maintain a healthy balance.
momjeanz 
truth. well said.
Very insightful piece. Support can’t continue if there is no reciprocity and if boundaries are too tight to receive support or to return in kind. Supporters can dry up as well if not appreciated adequately or when offers of support are received indifferently. Also, when a relationship is lopsided in that one party is always in role of supporting and other in role of receiving its detrimental to both/all. I am glad to see you being open and honest about this issue. I wholeheartedly agree that giving away support is tricky. And I acknowledge that accepting support is just as tricky. But as humans we are made for both giving and receiving support. I suggest that in times of high need of support it be conveyed clearly to those likely to provide it. And in times of lesser need that you seek to give it to those who have provided it or at least offered it to you. Even those who typically provide support to others have needs to have inquiry about how their life is going, validation that their perspective has merit and acceptance that their life experiences have an impact on their viewpoints.
I applaud your efforts at self-support. In the absence of support from others I see no reason to feel guilt regarding looking out for yourself. Being self involved and failing to support others who have supported or are supporting you is indeed deserving of reconsideration but if its a matter of survival then look out for number one. I am proud of you for making such effort to adapt to your environment and circumstances and to make such effort to support others and to take personal responsibility for the lack of support you experience. My support is available and in spite of needs of others in my life I put your needs first and foremost. Keep me in mind when you work on the issue of accepting support from others. AND I could sure use some of the kind of support as you describe it above.
You are not a total failure…. not even a partial failure. I am amazed at how hard you work and how open to trying everything it takes to make a difficult situation into a better arrangement. Please do not doubt yourself when your efforts fail to bring desired results. You ARE a success in your current life. Please don’t think its your attitude about success in life that needs adjustment. You have basic needs that MUST be met and you owe no more adjustment than you have already made regarding meeting your needs. (But knowing you I have no doubt you will continue to accommodate and make effort to improve.) DO NOT BE ASHAMED of who you are and what you want in life. You have worked hard all your life and nothing dropped into your lap. You deserve return for your efforts.