my daughter is my hero

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girl crush moment:

this girl is my hero. she’s so fearless and fun. she’s easily the person having the best time everywhere she goes. she doesn’t know a stranger. she dresses up in her girliest outfit and then hunts all over the house to find her “light sabers” to stuff in her purse because she “doesn’t go anywhere without them.”  she knows what she wants and she’s not afraid to go for it. she puts together the best outfits. she’s smart and she’s funny. and she’s punny! she’s determined and affectionate. she’s helpful and enthusiastic. she’s creative. she’s independent but loves being part of a team.

in short, she’s all the things i want to be when i grow up.

what i feel about this age + stage is that i realize mike and i may have very little to do with how great this person is. when they are young you feel this overwhelming weight of how they’re going to turn out. and then, even though it seems like you do a million things wrong along the way, they turn out to be these amazing little people who are just so cool. i pray i’ll remember this with our second person and just CTFO about everything other than love and fun.

i hope you all have a kid hero.

for the days when we’re just too much alike

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on very rare occasions i can talk darla into sporting matching top knots with me. on these days i hear the phrase that has followed us around for the past 4 years a little more: she looks just like you.

yes. she does. i think i’ve confessed on here before that i’m not entirely sure that she isn’t just me. that i’ve reincarnated myself before i’m even dead. the lines between where i stop and where she starts have always been blurry. as those lines are beginning to take on definition life has gotten a whole lot more complicated.

don’t get me wrong, darla has always been incredibly willful, ready to make her mark on the world from the youngest of ages and it’s something i love about her…but it makes life incredibly difficult at times.

i’ve come to the awareness that the things i don’t like about darla, the things i nag on, over-parent and try to over correct with her are really the things i don’t like about myself. i’d venture to say that’s how all relationships work but that would be digressing. what i want to convey is that it’s especially difficult to come to terms with the little person that is a mirror image of myself, not just in looks.

i have to face and own up to the fact that the things that frustrate me the most about her were put into her by me in one way or another whether it be nature or nurture. there are so many times when i do things wrong as a parent, when i handle things wrong. some days it seems that everything i do is wrong. when at the end of the day i admit that everything could have been different if i had focused on changing myself instead of changing her. i get fixated on trying to correct things in her that remind me of myself at her age because i want her experience with the world to be different. i sometimes cut her interaction with this world short by trying to force my will instead of leaving it all up to the universe to figure out.

i wish, oh i wish, i could just sit her down and tell her that i don’t have all the answers. that i don’t understand the way of the world any more than she does, that adults seeming to have the knowledge is a farce. i wish i could take her by the hand and tell her that what it’s really all about is us finding the answers together. but how can i explain such a thing to a little girl who doesn’t stop spinning in circles long enough to focus on such a discussion?

i don’t really have a conclusion for this post. all i can ask is that you send me some of your positive thoughts and energy, or a virtual back pat as i try to make progress on this area of myself. she’s the most important mirror in our house and taking a good, long look into that mirror has been taxing for me lately. i’ll need any extra support i can get.

thanks. you’re the best.

weekending

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we made it. it was a whirlwind trip of driving 10 hrs friday and then again sunday. things were hairy for a bit but mostly it was a great, grand adventure.

see i have this theory about arkansas. my theory is that it’s the first state people forget is part of the united states. when people heard i was going to a wedding in arkansas most said “ooooohhhh yeah, arkansas. it exists!” ok, not really but that’s what i read from facial expressions and body language. but i was very pleasantly surprised by the town of hot springs where we spent the weekend for my baby cousin’s wedding.

this weekend i hiked a mountain in my boots and lipstick because i felt like it. i touched the dreamy, warm mineral waters in hot springs national park. i spent time chasing peacocks with my darla in a park that felt like i was visiting the elvish realms of middle earth. i visted with family. i hope you can tell by my writing how much i enjoyed these novel experiences.

in the name of transparency i’m going to put it out there that darla gave me a real run for my money this weekend. i don’t think you’re supposed to travel while mercury is in retrograde. i don’t think you’re supposed to travel with a willful 4.5 year old while mercury is in retrograde anyway. communicating with darla was difficult at times. bedtimes were late, candy and sweets were plentiful and well, it was travel, so those were all things throwing my little girl for a loop. the majority of the time she was sweet and loving but then something would come along and send her into a funk. i felt like i was living in a nursery rhyme: there was a little girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead…

i’m not sure if i handled things well most of the time. in fact i know i didn’t handle things well at certain times. darla is almost 5 years old and i feel like i should have some concrete answers on how i should handle situations with her but i am still at a loss. is it like this always? like until they’re 18 and fly off on their own?

i also have to admit that this trip rekindled my desire to be a rubbertramp. plans and schemes have been forming in my head about spending months on the road, discovering places just like hot springs. there is so much of america i have yet to see and i’d really like to have a road adventure with my family.

maybe some day you’ll be reading a blog post about that ;-)

road trip

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i’m blogging from the road!! don’t worry i’m not driving. we’re on a 9 hour trip and so far so good. darla has a whole bag of tricks that i’m praying get us through the day. d’s a pretty darn good travel partner though.

and me, i’ve just got my hat and a couple good books. that’s all i need.

ARKANSAS OR BUST!!!

week 44

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this week. this week right here. whenever i start to doubt myself and question whether this is right for us, i will look back on this week and put myself at ease.

sometimes i feel like i’ve missed out on so much in life and then other times i feel so full and crazy grateful for how beautiful my life is. getting to raise and educate darla in this way is one of the great honors of my life. i can’t believe i get to spend my days romping around the town with her and then sometimes i get to see a human born into this world. it’s nuts.

i hope i can remember how fortunate i am the next time i start worrying about how i’m going to pay bills and afford life.

we spent as much time as possible outside this week. it was absolutely gorgeous. conversations of late are showing me just how much knowledge of science and nature are getting in to darla. it makes me hungry to show her more. how can i show her more?

for those of you just here for the pretty pictures from our week then this is a good stepping off point. please proceed to your nearest exit with caution. thanks for stopping by! come back later, i’ll have more ;-)

those of you interested in this unschooling-thing, stick around.

that spirit deer told me to get out into nature last week and i listened like it was my job because it is. i took her to the audubon center on monday. that day went like this: new obstacle course doings, playground playings, water tower towerings, pond life exploring, woolly bear snuggling and lots of running to and fro. the information we covered ranged anywhere from our feathery friends, to shelf fungus, to dragonfly life cycles, to human anatomy and lots in between.

we ventured to griggs reservoir on tuesday. we walked along the river, tracking a great blue heron and darla collected her choice items for the day. i love how i somehow become the keeper of items during our nature outings. my pockets always end up full of various things she has found along the way.

weds we went hiking in blacklick woods. darla was very fascinated with various nuts and seeds along the trails. she stuffed both her pockets and mine full and inquired about them with the ranger inside the nature center. we saw lots of wildlife on our walk, i think due to the overcast nature of the day, including several does and fawns, a huge buck, chipmunks galore, and two magical albino squirrels that we determined are king and queen of all squirreldom on earth. we rewarded ourselves at the gluten-free bakery afterwards :-)  and darla wanted to take some of the acorns home to the squirrels in our yard because they “probably don’t get too many of those type living around us.” we prepared a plate for them and offered it outside. ummmm the acorns were gone within a couple of hours. i think we have some thankful wildlife in our immediate area now.

maybe this is just the deep breath before the plunge into winter that will keep us locked up indoors but i’ll take it. i’ve determined that my niche in her education is to get her outside as much as possible. because if i can accomplish that then i can certainly do this unschooling/homeschooling thing. and she told me during our woods hike that she wants to continue to do them even during snowy weather so maybe we have some snow hikes in our future this winter.

what else do i want to tell you all about this other than COME JOIN US?  i don’t really write these posts about unschooling to push my views on anyone else, because this is just what is right for our family right now. BUT if you feel so inclined, then please, come join us.

daily moment

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i have a pumpkin eater. i don’t think we’ll be putting her in any pumpkin shells though.

this was the first time darla has carved a pumpkin for artistic purposes. we have painted them in previous years. this year we did the normal routine. she chose a bat as her design and hubster helped with the artwork.

she told me the other day that she’s a magical kid. i think i believe her. she makes any activity magical for me.

i love her.

daily moment

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listen everyone, we spent the entire day at the audubon park yesterday and it was glorious. i took a ton of photos that you may choose to endure at a later date this week. but my daily moment from yesterday would have to be when darla told me she wanted to attempt to jump rope at the top of the water tower. sure. why not? why not learn to skip rope 100 feet in the air?

you can judge from that first photo that she wasn’t really successful in getting that timing down. but you can judge from that second photo that she really couldn’t have cared less. she was having a great time.

and so was i.

thank you so so so much to the higher power out there that gave me this life, filled with these daily moments.

weekending 43

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alright, can we just pause here before we move on to the rest of the pictures to recognize how utterly “big-kid” like this little girl of mine is getting to be. her best friend turned 5 this week and her younger cousin turned 4 which means that everything is speeding by way too fast and i want to figure out how to put these kids in one of those little terrariums that you wear around your neck so they can stay small and safe forever. that’s normal, right?

she’s busting out her big girl moves all over the place these days and while I AM SAD, i’m also happy for her too. she’s just truly amazing. i spend a good chunk of time lately feeling completely unworthy of the companionship of such a lovely little person. she’s still wild as can be but there are times like tonight when she looks at her dad before bed and books and says “i think you and i need some time apart” in the most grown-up voice and it sleighs me. i had to hide my face under the cover so she couldn’t see my laughter, not because i don’t want to encourage her but because i want her to feel free to behave that way again.

and then part of me is afraid i’m losing that wild, uninhibited little girl. i spend a lot of time trying to teach manners and social boundaries but now that they’re sinking in i’m wondering if i really want those things to go away.

gawwwhhh parenting!!!

 

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^^^ getting help from dad during craft time ^^^

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and then there are times like this last picture that i’m pretty sure i don’t have to worry so much about those idiosyncrasies disappearing just yet. this was taken at darla’s last dance class. this session was her first time taking dance at the community center and it went over pretty well. i have to say i don’t think we could have found a more perfect atmosphere for her. i love that the girls can wear whatever they want and even bring their teddy bears out on the floor with them. i love that she is free in these classes. i love that she is learning that dancing is fun, above all else. lessons should not be work at this age. they should be fun. and that is exactly what the community center has delivered to us every time. i’m so thankful to them and look forward to signing darla up for a few things this winter.

thanks for letting me share those bits of our weekend. hope yours was grand and i hope you got to put a donut in your face.

getaway

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in case i hadn’t sufficiently rubbed it in your face that we spent the first couple of days this week in the woods, communing with birds and spirit animals then here is a whole entire post dedicated to just that.

i was having myself a time. my sweet mother joined us so this meant i was afforded some alone time and i spent it in the woods, in glorious natural woods. i feel i really need to make an effort to spend more time doing this. i really have no excuse since there are so many parks and green spaces in and near columbus. i take darla to the parks a lot and we do go on hikes but i don’t make alone time to do this and i think i really need it. my brain kept tapping into some of my most cherished memories as a child which always involved some camping trip in the woods or a stay at scout camp. i could feel how my brain operates differently in that setting. most of the time i feel like my brain takes in way too much information and i can’t focus in everyday life but in the woods my information inundation has a purpose. i feel like my vision is in panorama view the entire time. it feels right. i mean, i saw a spirit deer for cryin’ out loud.

i enjoyed little quite moments of solitude that left me yearning to make a solo cabin trip someday soon. nothing too long but maybe a 2 day excursion to the woods to have myself a walden weekend. please universe?

my daughter on the other hand had a different experience. this cabin had 3 tvs in it. 3 TVS!!! i was hoping this would be a break from television but it wasn’t for her. that’s how she chose to spend her time. can you see her up there in that last photo fighting the forest? because that’s what she said she wanted to do. i think darla may not be as much of a nature-girl as i am. and that’s ok….i guess. maybe she’ll come around but i know i wasn’t as focused on television and electronics at her age. i wanted to be outside, up in a tree, at the creek or in the woods. it makes me sad for her that she’s not getting to know the freedom of a rural childhood.

but she’s got her own thing going on. like turning party hats into unicorn horns that she has to use to impale a bull to the moon. i have the visual arts to thank for that.

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so, i’ll be carrying a little bit of the natural world around with me until i can get back. and next time we’ll be renting a cabin without 3 tvs.