this girl

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i feel that the blog has been pretty pregnancy-centric lately. After 4 years of this space being devoted almost entirely to darla-doings i’m sure it’s a bit weird that i’ve not included much about her on here as of late.

just to be clear, she’s still my main girl, my mostly companion.

what can i say about this girl? she’s still running around my life as crazy as ever. but i have a good feeling about the spacing of these two children. D is really into helping and doing at this stage. she has a new chore-helper chart that she has really taken on with gusto. she likes feeling like part of the team and she is always willing to provide a hand if i need it. and boy am i going to need it here in a few months.

but mostly she is just so wildly independent. sometimes it can feel like hours have gone by where i haven’t seen her bc she’s got some project going on for herself.  i spend a lot of time wondering if this next babe is going to be as independent as his/her sister. hard to say. darla’s that way partly by nature and partly because mike and i try to take a firm parenting stance that we will help her with the things that she actually needs help with {all sharp objects} but not the things she can absolutely do for herself {like put on her socks and shoes. or wipe her own butt.} because doing things for her is ultimately very unhelpful, right? she’s not afraid to try to figure something out for herself, which i admire and hope she keeps. and she frequently tells us that she knows everything before it even happens so she has all the answers in life. ha.

well, y’all, wish me luck with that independence with this second one comes along. please send good vibes that it will be a helpful thing and not a headache thing, like darla taking a nursing session as an opportunity to try to ride her bike down the street by herself for the first time. or to cut her hair by herself…which is coming up a lot in talks lately. even though that wouldn’t be the worse thing in the world and i would kinda like to let her just rock whatever haircut she thinks looks best on her. anyway, please just send good vibes that her independent involvement with sharp and cutting objects is minimal when my attention has to be divided.

but i think all is going to be well because she’s my little bud. she’s my main girl.

and she’s going off to school come fall anyway so momma has a break. but that’s a story for another post.

for the days when we’re just too much alike

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on very rare occasions i can talk darla into sporting matching top knots with me. on these days i hear the phrase that has followed us around for the past 4 years a little more: she looks just like you.

yes. she does. i think i’ve confessed on here before that i’m not entirely sure that she isn’t just me. that i’ve reincarnated myself before i’m even dead. the lines between where i stop and where she starts have always been blurry. as those lines are beginning to take on definition life has gotten a whole lot more complicated.

don’t get me wrong, darla has always been incredibly willful, ready to make her mark on the world from the youngest of ages and it’s something i love about her…but it makes life incredibly difficult at times.

i’ve come to the awareness that the things i don’t like about darla, the things i nag on, over-parent and try to over correct with her are really the things i don’t like about myself. i’d venture to say that’s how all relationships work but that would be digressing. what i want to convey is that it’s especially difficult to come to terms with the little person that is a mirror image of myself, not just in looks.

i have to face and own up to the fact that the things that frustrate me the most about her were put into her by me in one way or another whether it be nature or nurture. there are so many times when i do things wrong as a parent, when i handle things wrong. some days it seems that everything i do is wrong. when at the end of the day i admit that everything could have been different if i had focused on changing myself instead of changing her. i get fixated on trying to correct things in her that remind me of myself at her age because i want her experience with the world to be different. i sometimes cut her interaction with this world short by trying to force my will instead of leaving it all up to the universe to figure out.

i wish, oh i wish, i could just sit her down and tell her that i don’t have all the answers. that i don’t understand the way of the world any more than she does, that adults seeming to have the knowledge is a farce. i wish i could take her by the hand and tell her that what it’s really all about is us finding the answers together. but how can i explain such a thing to a little girl who doesn’t stop spinning in circles long enough to focus on such a discussion?

i don’t really have a conclusion for this post. all i can ask is that you send me some of your positive thoughts and energy, or a virtual back pat as i try to make progress on this area of myself. she’s the most important mirror in our house and taking a good, long look into that mirror has been taxing for me lately. i’ll need any extra support i can get.

thanks. you’re the best.