why i’m glad we were sequestered for 5 days

Posted in Momma Needs a minute..., parenting apparently? by ElaineMarie

well, ok, semi-sequestered.

the first reason being it was freaking cold.

the second was some much-needed momma reality check time with my daughter.

our first week without dad was a rough one given that darla got sick and required an extreme extra amount of attention at the time when i was now getting used to handling it all by myself again. timing, you are a sneaky snake and i don’t like you’re dirty tricks!

but it turned out to be a good thing for us. it helped me to slow down and spend a lot of time with her. extra time that i’m sure she needed to readjust. i take darla for granted sometimes because she seems to be unfazed by so many things that i assume she will pick up on our life shifts and adapt. for the most part she does and when she doesn’t i tend to be hard on her. i know that i need to give her some room to be a child and adjust at her own pace. it can just be really hard for me to remember when i’m trying to juggle the single-parent thing. it’s one of the many areas of my parenting with which i’m struggling.

so darla’s sickness was a blessing in disguise. it slowed us down. it led to more games, books, movies, cuddles. we had more conversations than we’ve had in a while. it’s nice that she and i can gab back and forth now.

it also showed me that if i can learn to let my expectations go she can be so very good. sometimes it can be frustrating because she seems to be really good for me at home and then with an audience she acts out. i want her to be able to behave even when she has the excitement of others around. but that’s just how she is.

and last week i came to a realization: i don’t base my child’s value as a human being on how well-behaved or well-mannered she is. i need to stop worrying and caring if other people are going to base their evaluation of her on just that. there are many that do. sometimes it’s strangers and sometimes it is people closer but in my opinion they are the ones that just don’t get it.

darla is wildly imaginative, playful, happy, loving and engaging. she will march up and talk to anyone. most of the time it’s inappropriate things like telling every table in the french restaurant about her sores that turned into scabs and fell off. but she’s not afraid to put herself out there and i love that about her so much. i love that she’s not scared. i want to foster these qualities because i think the fear of being who you are is one of the worst afflictions to our society.

so i’m hoping to take more time for the remainder of this winter for quiet days in the house, just she and i. when we can. there’s a lot of growing that she and i have to do together.

and…then again…this might just be a big rationalization of why it was awesome to stay in my pajamas all day for 5 days straight…

resolutions

how are you doing with your resolutions? well, i have actually forgotten the name of the website that is supposed to be keeping track of my progress. does that tell you how i’m doing?

i do want to report that now that i’ve completed my backlog obsession with friday night lights, i’ve gotten back to reading. books.

my first book submission to you for 2012 is Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.

i really loved this book. very detailed and in depth. it has a lot going on so i pretty much had to set the book down and digest for a few days before picking back up again, which can be good. i started this book at the end of 2011 and it took me a while to finish.

i have to make a comment about the universe. i did a lot of labor, birth and breastfeeding reading for doula certification in 2011. i kept trying to work fiction into the mix in between my required materials. all the fiction books i picked randomly had a main character who was a midwife or obstetrician.

i get it universe. i’m on the right path. even when i was trying to get away from reading about the ladyparts i couldn’t.

9Feb2012

turning it all around

Posted in Momma Needs a minute..., Run Da House by ElaineMarie

today has had a much better aura. i discovered a few things out of place that have seemed to put the house more in balance:

finally got my invocation of hestia up on the mantle. hestia is the goddess of the hearth and home. my invocation reads:

dear hestia, please grace this house with your presence. Grant us peace and serenity within these walls.

and i realized our sad absence of music. husfriend is usually mixing the music and i hadn’t realized i’d been overlooking that bit of our normal home atmosphere. today we’ve been spinning:

tennis – getting geared up for their show in 2 weeks. eeek. and my old faithful. rumours literally saved mealtime. as soon as “you can go your own way” started i suddenly didn’t care anymore that darla wasn’t eating her meal.

we’ve had a lot more nice, quiet moments to enjoy like this one.

9Feb2012

time out

Posted in Momma Needs a minute..., parenting apparently? by ElaineMarie

mikey’s only been gone a week and i already feel like putting my head through a wall.

three is a lot whinier than two.

momma is losing her grip and her patience. it’s clear i need a new strategy. i’ve got my daily dose of peaceful parenting tips coming in from the interwebs but i’m thinking i need to add some more parenting books to my collection.

has anyone read positive discipline or dr. sears’ discipline book? suggestions? any recommendations or strong drinks you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

thanks a mil.

8Feb2012

disney on ice

Posted in Momma Needs a minute..., parenting apparently? by ElaineMarie

one of our coincidental D activities for last weekend was Disney on Ice.

holy hell.

i knew what i was getting into a little bit due to a friend’s similar experience but i definitely wasn’t prepared for the whirlwind of emotions that is Disney on Ice.

i don’t really know where to begin. i won’t waste time on the annoying parking situation because that was a given. so, i’ll jump straight to the fact that before we could even sit down i shelled out $30 on a plush ariel doll for darla. in all fairness, i chose the doll because i thought she’d be able to hug it throughout the performance and that it would offer up some form of distraction when she got antsy. this plan worked. plus i had to make good on my promise that i’d buy her something special to get her past those guys hawking annoying light up wands outside. gawd, i felt like a sucker.

we got seated late. so after stumbling down dark stairs and bothering the overweight family to haul themselves out of their seats so we could squeeze past, we had to make a hasty arrangement of who was going to sit where, passing out popcorn and making sure that effing overpriced plushie had an ok seat on darla’s lap.

the first 20 minutes of the show was pure bliss. girls were happy. entranced. delighted. popcorn-fed. disney-fied zombies. i even got into the excitement of seeing the magic reflected on darla’s face.

then the spell broke. darla lost interest, started looking around and realized people had refreshments other than popcorn. she was hungry. she was starving. she said she needed food right away. luckily, intermission was upon us.

i took her to get food but under the condition that she go to the bathroom while we were out so we wouldn’t have to cause the happy-meal family any more trouble. then we forged through the crowds to concessions.

oh the crowds. 4-year-olds with pacifiers. 5-year-olds in strollers. my brother-in-law sat next to a middle-aged couple with no kids in tow. wtf?

we arrived at concessions and i checked just once to see if the beer taps were open that day. i wouldn’t have, but i was thinking about it. alas, they were not up and running. darla declared she wanted only peanuts. i tried to reason that if she was so starving she needed something more substantial than peanuts. NO. PEANUTS.

we got peanuts. i didn’t dispute because they were the cheapest option.

back to our seats we filed, late again. i sat in a bath of cynicism as i watched ice dancers with FML written all across their faces. you could tell they all abhorred their existence on the ice. i think every time someone attempted a lutz or salchow they ended on their ass, furthering my suspicion that they were all drunk.

my critical state-of-mind was reaching an all time high when the entire cast came out to perform “it’s a small world after all” and there was a noticeable lack of any black or jewish representation. everyone knows walt was a raging anti-semite and xenophobe but this is 2012, people. if you’re going to include holland then you got to put at least one country from the continent of africa in there and representation from one of the oldest cultures in the world.

but then those bastards put mickey in an emblazoned hot air balloon to float above me and i had to give in. all my cynicism broke down as they started to play “when you wish upon a star.”

a tear sprang to my eye as i watched darla’s face lit by the indoor fireworks. for, no matter how corny and over-the-top it was, disney remains the ever positive voice urging us:

when you wish upon a star,

makes no difference who you are,

anything your heart desires,

will come to you

4Feb2012

a donation

Posted in Momma Needs a minute... by ElaineMarie

yesterday i donated to an organization that should have received some support from me a long time ago. i donated to planned parenthood.

the past couple days have generated a lot of press for PP and the Susan G. Komen foundation. i saw lots and lots of outraged voices flying around on the internet and it seems to have had the desired effect. SGK decided not to pull the funding from planned parenthood and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

but it got me thinking about the struggles planned parenthood has had to face in these past few years. if we learned anything from 2011 in regards to our government and large institutions it’s that we have to support things our own damn selves if we believe in them and so i put my money in their pockets. not a large sum, but every bit will help, right?

the fiery issues around planned parenthood stem from abortion. and that seems to be all the general public focuses on with PP without remembering how much more they offer. and that’s where i would like to share my personal story.

Planned Parenthood has been there for me many times over the years. it provided me with reproductive care and low-cost birth control options while i was on a college student’s budget. PP also provided me with care and counseling during the year i went without health insurance when i left my job to be a stay at home mom before i was elligible for coverage under mike’s plan. and here’s the big one for me:

Planned Parenthood was there for me when i miscarried my second pregnancy while i was uninsured.

i think back now on that experience and know that i am truly grateful i had an organization that i could trust as the first place i went when i realized i miscarried. to a woman in my position, having that kind of health care access is priceless when you are in an emotionally and physically fragile state.

i know there are far too many people out there who would count me as white trash, a sinner and undeserving or treatment because i became pregnant before i was married. but i don’t view myself that way. i view my family and i as a pretty normal slice of the american population – well-educated, middle class and has had to rely on help to get through a crisis.

my opinion is that we need to protect planned parenthood for the sake of our daughters, for the women in this country who are just like me. PP is needed now more than ever as more of the population is suffering the loss of jobs and healthcare benefits. i think about all the friends i’ve had in my life that relied on PP. i think of all the women i’ve sat in waiting rooms with. i think of all the jittery-handed college guys waiting for their test results that also populated those waiting rooms and I remember that men need planned parenthood, too.

it is such a shame that all the other services PP provides are disregarded because of the select few locations that offer abortions.

my opinion is that i get to make my own reproductive health choices and THAT’S IT. i can’t believe in passing a law that judges another woman without being in her shoes. my opinion is that the larger picture at stake is giving the government power and legal precedent over our bodies. my opinion is that abortion was/is never an option for me but far be it from me to make a decision for the 13-year-old carrying her own father’s child, the mother of 4 who says 5 would be just too much to handle, the college student who knows her family would cast her off forever.

my opinion is that until we can not only offer but GUARANTEE safe and adequate care for every mother and child during pregnancy, labor, and postpartum and support in their home lives then women NEED TO HAVE A CHOICE. with failing healthcare systems, a maternal and infant mortality rate that is much, much too high and battered women + children homes packed across the country, i’d say that we’re a society far from meeting the needs of mothers adequately.

and that’s why we need a choice. over our bodies and a choice to visit planned parenthood.

if you’ve ever sought service from planned parenthood maybe you should think about giving. if you’ve ever taken your daughter there so she could get on the pill and make it through high school and college without becoming a young mother then maybe you should think about giving. if you’d like your daughters/nieces/granddaughters/friends to have an option for low-cost reproductive health, maybe you should think about giving. if you sent around a message knocking SGK for not supporting planned parenthood then maybe you should think about giving. even if it’s only once. even if it’s only $5.

2Feb2012

gone

Posted in Momma Needs a minute... by ElaineMarie

we dropped mike off at the port o’ air this morning. he has set his sails for Japan. and i’m actually feeling quite ok about this departure. we feel more settled than ever before and it makes it somewhat easier to say goodbye and take on this home life by my lonesome.

we had a nice dinner out as a send off for dad. we had a perfect final day together. here’s one last pic of daddy and daughter together:

Mike is drawing pictures for darla while we wait for our food. she is already missing her dada.

and here we are as a twosome. just us two for the next three months.

the last

today’s our last day as a family for a while. i’ve been in denial a little but it’s here upon us again. tomorrow begins 90 days as a girly duo. i will miss my salty sailor.

here’s a balloon darla and I picked out for mike as a going away momento.

27Jan2012

it was three years ago…on this very night…

Posted in Momma Needs a minute..., parenting apparently? by ElaineMarie

it’s 12:54 am and i’m up, because this is the only time of the day i can get for myself. and because i have been working on preparing for darla’s birthday. technically, it is her birthday because three years ago, down to the minute, she came into the world.

oh how a mother never forgets that first minute.

she’s three now. it’s so cliche, but i can’t believe it. i think i’m lucky because i don’t sit back and think “where did the time go?” I have felt every minute of these three years roll past. i think what happens for most of us parents is we spend so much time looking forward and preparing for what is next in our childrens’ lives that these moments, birthdays and other monumental occasions, stop us in our tracks and make us be present.

i think about how happy i’ll be to see her become an older child and put her inborn independence to good use.

but i never stopped to think that she’d actually be three. then four. then five. and then her running away from me will mean more than just me chasing her down in a mall. it will mean her not wanting my kiss good bye in front of her friends. it will mean her wanting to spend more time with others and less time with me. it will mean i will have to chase her down for attention instead of the other way around.

so, now she’s three. and darla is going to be GREAT at being three. and i’m going to try my hardest to remind myself to be present for these next 8 months because she’ll be starting school in the fall and the great migration away from me will officially begin.

and that’s why i’ll have to just get me another one…

7Jan2012

pressin’ da letterz

Posted in Momma Needs a minute... by ElaineMarie

last year i wanted to get in on igloo letterpress‘ new year’s resolution poster class. well, i let it all slip through the cracks and missed out. but this year i was prepared! which, just so happens, was my goal for 2011: “be creative, be prepared.” 2012 started with knocking off one of my life list goals: learn how to letter press.

our night at igloo letterpress was imPRESSive. ha ha ha. pun pun pun. here’s the life(dot)next evening at igloo making our new year’s goal posters.

owner allison chapman showed us proper use and technique of her vintage and antique equipment. she was a wonderful teacher and very generously let us make copies of each others posters. our night was well worth the money and by then end we had all decided that an annual tradition might have just been born. we had lots of fun sharing our new year’s goals, being silly with inspirations, imbibing and snacking and trying to spell words backwards.

since we came as a gaggle with a set time limit there were limitations to personalization of posters. we decided to keep it simple with a _____ every day message. each lady provided their own goal for every day life of 2012. some really good, funny and practical goals were set thursday night.

using the press was fun. being creative was more fun. hanging with lovely women in a beautiful space was the most fun of all. weeeeeeeee.

our finished projects!!!!:

and one very special new year’s goal sent in by life(dot)next creator, meg, from the west coast. words to live by, my friends.

now a word on my goal: take your pill everyday. and yes i mean THE pill. because i got a baaaad case of baby fever and it seems like everyday someone i know is popping up preggers. that is great, wonderful, glorious news for them but it makes me green with envy and the truth is it’s just not in the cards for us right now. with sailor man on the high seas every three months, this momma just CAN NOT imagine doing it with two bambinos on her lonesome. but maybe once spicy #1 is a little older we can get ready for spicy #2. let’s just hope that next year’s goal can be something more like: “don’t take your pill at all, anyday, so you can get another bun in that oven.”