she’s obsessed with dead people

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ummm, can i talk to you guys about this?

my daughter has this book memorized. it’s kinda freaking me out. she chose this book at the library almost 2 weeks ago. she disappeared into the stacks for a minute and then came running out, hair wild, yell-talking “WE HAVE TO GET THIS!” and shoved this in my face. how could i argue with that? she also demanded we get a book about day of the dead, halloween poems and beowulf.

yes, my daughter is reading 10th grade lit.

now, all these books have been extremely wonderful. she chose some more normal things like greek mythology, ali baba and the 40 thieves and something called the legend of ohio so i haven’t had to read only dark literature to her for the past two weeks but it brings me to something that has been haunting (literally but in that figurative way) our lives for the past 2.5 years.

my daughter is obsessed with dead people.

you may now understand why i try to push artistic outlets for her as much as i do. we’ve got to have some kind of direction for the macabre in this household or else she’s just going to turn into a goth and we all know that besides chris angel and dave navarro no goth person has ever had that much of a promising future. and i think those guys were kinda fringe anyway and yeah, those examples really just sum up my point.

an artist who is obsessed with dead people has a very promising future. all other interested parties just turn goth. so we’re pressing for artist here, people, or possibly mortician.

ghosts were her first repetitive subject for drawing. she broadened it to “dead guys” soon thereafter and i’ve been told numerous times over the years “ghosts and dead guys are my friends.”  does this also explain a little about the tent bed, too?

she used to tell me she saw them all the time. she would climb up on our toilet and look out the bathroom window in our old house, which was in a very old part of town, and say “yep, he’s there again today.”  i finally asked her about it after it had gone on for over a week and what she described to me was a man who had been hanged from a tree. she was only 2.5 years old and didn’t even know that was what she was describing so sometimes I tend to believe her on this. Oh, there was the time that it had been raining for almost a week straight and she then asked me “mom, why is his body all puffed up now?”  apparently ghost bodies react to current weather conditions.

what i’m getting at is that we’ve been walking this road to the dark arts for a few years now. (yes, that is a harry potter reference because our horizons have broadened to anything involving magic, wizardry, witches, mystical beings, fairies or the like. and hobbits. lots of hobbits.) i wish i could say i’m flabbergasted by it but i’m not because i was the same way when i was younger.

i once formed a club in my elementary school devoted to turning all the 3rd grade girls into witches. i would make my friends lie down on the ground while i conducted rituals to lift their souls out of their bodies and then we would all sit around and oooh and ahhh at their souls floating 6 feet above their bodies. the principal got word of our play and quickly put an end to my heyday as head of the waverly coven. when i was in the 9th grade the senior girls told me i dress like a witch. they thought they were dissing me but in my head i was all “score! finally…” {ps. this was due to a couple of times wearing a grey a-line, knee-length skirt with my combat boots. it was a boss match up but definitely not that witch-like. they were just THAT dumb.}

so i guess we’re just in this space where my daughter is really invested in something that might be termed “socially abnormal” but i’m going with the flow because i’ve been there. if she wants to check out books on mummies, ghosts, witches and goblins then i’m all for it because she’s really invested in learning about this subject matter. who am i to squash this? learning about mummies has broadened her horizons to egyptian culture. my 4-year-old knows how to pronounce paankehnamen. do you?  i’m sure someday she’s going to take it a little too far and start a small scale cult or something but at least i’ll have the previous life experience to understand and be cool about it instead of feeling i need to step in and direct her liferiver’s course.

and, as previously stated, i’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep her from going goth. since subversion is a main principle of that i’m thinking we’ll just keep this freak flag waving out there in the open.

solid plan. yep.

spring chicken (or hey, i’m 30 now)

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Happy Birthday to me!

Sometimes, when you’re feeling a little down because you’re turning 30, life says ‘hush, babychild. here are a pair of cute, inexpensive slip-ons in your size in the girls’ section. it’s all gonna be ok.’

So, this is a sign that 30 can’t be all that bad, right? right?

i might be responsible for an opossum being dead

and squirrel diabetes and cannibal birds. this is going to be a long story…

we started a compost bin last year and darla received a bird feeder for christmas and since then our backyard has been a veritable menagerie of wildlife. since all these animals have been freeloading off of us, somewhere along the line i just started chucking food out the back door and letting them have at it.

our neighbors came over to have breakfast once and i think they noticed me throwing bread crust and crackers out into the yard soon thereafter because they began to distance themselves.

i know what you are thinking of me but i just can’t stop doing it now. they expect it of me. i’m serious. if we get up late and i haven’t thrown darla’s leftover bread crust out the back door by 9 am squirrels are sitting on our back porch railing giving me stink eye through the back window and birds are in every branch of our tree. i am not even joking.

and it’s not just bread crust. i actually drain off our bacon fat and make it into little cakes with birdseed in it to put out for them. there are 2 in our freezer right now that i’m just waiting for the right moment to surprise them with. the squirrels have gotten so fat that i’m quite sure they have diabetes. SQUIRREL DIABEETUS.

and then there’s the bird cannibals.

darla eats eggs practically every morning but she won’t eat the yolk.  i keep telling myself that “one day she’ll grow to like the yolk” instead of just buying the egg whites. this means that every day, every damn day, i am tossing yolks out the back door. the squirrels won’t touch ’em but the birds go crazy for them. they have little bird wars. well, i guess there would be a little philosophical debate about whether or not the term cannibal applies because then we’re getting into the whole “potential life” thing. but my point is they’re really mean to each other about it.

i have turned birds, a symbol of peace, into savages.

the worst revelation is yet to come…

all the snow from this winter made it possible to track all the little critters that come through the yard during non-human hours. i have spotted opossum tracks in our backyard and my hypothesis is he/she (please don’t let it have been a momma-she) is visiting our compost bin. i know for a fact that opossums like compost bins.

when i was young it was my job to take the compost out to the bin and one summer evening i was startled by a young opossum taking a snooze in our bin. opossums do not play dead when they are startled. they spring to life quickly and stare at you with glow-red eyes and i think they breathe in a little bit of your life essence like the witches in hocus pocus because I was so traumatized by that baby opossum that i refused my duties for some time.

well, that opossum lay dead the other morning in the alley directly behind our house. i am quite certain it was hit whilst either coming or going to our composter. i hope it was at least post meal for ya, little buddy.

i don’t know what else to say about this situation. i feel it might be getting a little out of hand. do you think i’m an animal hoarder? do i need to go check out a self-help book? should i put the kibosh on our feeder? should i walk the bread crust all the way out to the composter instead of lazily hurling it out the backdoor?

no. no. i probably won’t do any of that.  but i do think i’ll stop making those bacon grease squirrel cakes. that’s a good compromise.

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^^^see?^^^

i need help

y’all, i just sent in my payment for my last requisite class for my birth doula certification. the class will be in April, almost 2 years from the day that i supported my first birth. i am beyond excited to be so close to having this life goal completed. beyond excited to be certified and have some credentials to add to my street cred.

i recently watched an interview with Miranda July for the Makers series in which she stated “whatever you put energy into grows. if you want something to grow you must put your energy into it.”  well, that’s a paraphrase.  the past 6 months have been a period of immense growth for me in my birth work path. i’ve put all my energy into it and i’m ready to blow up. i really want to get deep into this world and support as many families as I can. I took a minute to read my astrological profile this morning and it said When Aries sets her sights on a goal, it becomes an all-enveloping quest.

That is how i feel. I feel that i’ve been scratching away, clawing at this goal for two years. i feel i’ve almost exhausted my energy in trying to inch this goal along. In turn, it has been rewarding when movement forward has been accomplished.

but i’ve come to the point where i have to give some of it up. what i mean is i have to relinquish this feeling of doing this on my own. my astrological profile also says this: Aries strives for independence, and success is defined by a series of distinctive or high-reaching personal achievements.

So, I want to make myself vulnerable right now and ask for your help, which isn’t easy for me because the stars even state that i’m an independent lady, but we all know being strong entails knowing when to ask for help.

Please share my info, please consider me for your own labor support team, please keep me in your thoughts and send me your good energy. i will send you mine. i’m trying to focus on finding the path the universe has laid out for me and relinquishing my ideas of what that path should be. but maybe with your help, i’ll meet more families and achieve these high-reaching personal achievements.

thank you.

http://www.ColumbusBirthArts.com

http://www.facebook.com/ColumbusBirthArts

book club

i’m headed to book club tonight. i’m looking forward to a social event. aren’t book clubs lovely? yes.

i’ve always been an avid reader and prided myself on still finding time to read in motherhood. these last six months i’ve found it increasingly hard to get myself to sit down and read a book. i haven’t been able to figure out why it wasn’t a priority anymore. partly because i’ve taken on other projects, partly because most of my reading for the last year has been birth work related thus feels more like trying to cram as much information into my wee brain and less like recreation. but i felt something new last night as i was reading.

i finished the book club book a couple of days ago and had that once familiar urge to jump right into another book. i realized in the middle of Cowboys are My Weakness that my fundamental relationship with reading has changed and it made me extremely distraught. when i used to read i would be filled with inspiration for all the things i was going to do and see and accomplish and conquer. now when i read, i am mourning all the things i feel i will never see and experience. i now understand that aspect of reading a book. the feeling that this book will take you some place you will never visit. maybe i was naive to spend so many years believing i would be able to venture to see the places and do the things i have dreamed.

i find myself feeling so trapped lately. i know, i know. i understand this is my own mental task of which to take control. i know i can see my life differently and look at what has been accomplished instead of what i had envisioned my life to be. {there’s been a lot of Les Mis sung around here lately, mkay} as of late, i’ve been envious of the national geographic tigress who slinks off on her own once her cubs have reached a couple of years of age. i’ve been envious of the tigress who tells her partner even during their mating “you can have me now, for these minutes but then be off for my future is my own.”

i will do the work to make it out of this mental state but for the moment i am mourning a loss. and that is ok. i will accept these feelings with validity and then take action, whatever that may be. i will turn it over and relinquish my control, understanding that i don’t yet know the full picture.

let’s just hope this book club meeting will be more upbeat than i am today. i knew i had to get these feelings out here so i wouldn’t end up a crying mess tonight. that may still happen. it’s not a good day -in my book- unless i’ve visited the entire emotional spectrum. my daily cry-time is right in the book club slot so the probability of it happening is looking good…

last minute

i have a planner than travels with me everywhere, a giant fridge calendar to keep family schedules straight, and an iCalender and facebook calendar on the iphone. i don’t even consider myself to be someone who has that many scheduled commitments. am i alone in this or is everyone walking around with several different methods of keeping track of time + space relations?

i think i am not alone.

last week’s recurring theme was the failing last-minute plan. i was either on the extending or receiving end of last-minute plan invitations that couldn’t seem to come together. do we live in such a hyper-scheduled society that the last-minute plan is disappearing before our very eyes? is this just what it’s like as you get older? are all you young houligans out there going about your merry, last-minute lives laughing through rounds of drinks at how you had no plans for the evening until Juan-Carlo called you up an hour ago and invited you to this mixer?

for some reason it made me very sad and nostalgic. my natural tendencies gravitate towards anti-structure and free-wheeling.  i just wanna be able to do what i wanna do when i wanna do it.

how do we feel about this as a culture? should we schedule a weekly last-minute plan day?

because that would be very funny…like corporate casual friday.

rolez

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about the different roles i play, specifically in relation to what everyone else needs from me versus what i need from me. i realized at the retreat there are a lot of things i do because i think others expect it from me and not necessarily what i expect of me. sometimes this is a good thing since i have rarely expected me to mop the floors, but i think i need to let some of these “roles” go and focus a little more attention on what i need from me. and i think what i need from me is more chocolate…

senses

i’m catching up on the senses photo essay. my senses were extremely happy last week while attending the Life(dot)next Desert Directive. I have lots more to gush about but here’s just a little bit of my sensory stimulation last friday:

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^^^mountains. i want to see mountains, gandalf^^^

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^^^the sounds of women’s laughter & beautiful, intelligent conversations everywhere^^^
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^^^the feel of a kaftan from abu dabi is divine^^^

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^^^the taste of some vinho verde while crafting our goddesses project^^^

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^^^this had to make it in there. small smores fire. NBD^^^

Palmy

I’m having coffee and conversation with the mountains this morning. Life(dot)next Desert Directive kicked off yesterday and the weekend is going to be stellar. I mean, we’ve all been gifted kaftans from Abu Dabi already. Even if nothing else fruitful happens the retreat has already been a success.

BUT a lot more will happen.

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