i’m headed to book club tonight. i’m looking forward to a social event. aren’t book clubs lovely? yes.

i’ve always been an avid reader and prided myself on still finding time to read in motherhood. these last six months i’ve found it increasingly hard to get myself to sit down and read a book. i haven’t been able to figure out why it wasn’t a priority anymore. partly because i’ve taken on other projects, partly because most of my reading for the last year has been birth work related thus feels more like trying to cram as much information into my wee brain and less like recreation. but i felt something new last night as i was reading.

i finished the book club book a couple of days ago and had that once familiar urge to jump right into another book. i realized in the middle of Cowboys are My Weakness that my fundamental relationship with reading has changed and it made me extremely distraught. when i used to read i would be filled with inspiration for all the things i was going to do and see and accomplish and conquer. now when i read, i am mourning all the things i feel i will never see and experience. i now understand that aspect of reading a book. the feeling that this book will take you some place you will never visit. maybe i was naive to spend so many years believing i would be able to venture to see the places and do the things i have dreamed.

i find myself feeling so trapped lately. i know, i know. i understand this is my own mental task of which to take control. i know i can see my life differently and look at what has been accomplished instead of what i had envisioned my life to be. {there’s been a lot of Les Mis sung around here lately, mkay} as of late, i’ve been envious of the national geographic tigress who slinks off on her own once her cubs have reached a couple of years of age. i’ve been envious of the tigress who tells her partner even during their mating “you can have me now, for these minutes but then be off for my future is my own.”

i will do the work to make it out of this mental state but for the moment i am mourning a loss. and that is ok. i will accept these feelings with validity and then take action, whatever that may be. i will turn it over and relinquish my control, understanding that i don’t yet know the full picture.

let’s just hope this book club meeting will be more upbeat than i am today. i knew i had to get these feelings out here so i wouldn’t end up a crying mess tonight. that may still happen. it’s not a good day -in my book- unless i’ve visited the entire emotional spectrum. my daily cry-time is right in the book club slot so the probability of it happening is looking good…