book club

i’m headed to book club tonight. i’m looking forward to a social event. aren’t book clubs lovely? yes.

i’ve always been an avid reader and prided myself on still finding time to read in motherhood. these last six months i’ve found it increasingly hard to get myself to sit down and read a book. i haven’t been able to figure out why it wasn’t a priority anymore. partly because i’ve taken on other projects, partly because most of my reading for the last year has been birth work related thus feels more like trying to cram as much information into my wee brain and less like recreation. but i felt something new last night as i was reading.

i finished the book club book a couple of days ago and had that once familiar urge to jump right into another book. i realized in the middle of Cowboys are My Weakness that my fundamental relationship with reading has changed and it made me extremely distraught. when i used to read i would be filled with inspiration for all the things i was going to do and see and accomplish and conquer. now when i read, i am mourning all the things i feel i will never see and experience. i now understand that aspect of reading a book. the feeling that this book will take you some place you will never visit. maybe i was naive to spend so many years believing i would be able to venture to see the places and do the things i have dreamed.

i find myself feeling so trapped lately. i know, i know. i understand this is my own mental task of which to take control. i know i can see my life differently and look at what has been accomplished instead of what i had envisioned my life to be. {there’s been a lot of Les Mis sung around here lately, mkay} as of late, i’ve been envious of the national geographic tigress who slinks off on her own once her cubs have reached a couple of years of age. i’ve been envious of the tigress who tells her partner even during their mating “you can have me now, for these minutes but then be off for my future is my own.”

i will do the work to make it out of this mental state but for the moment i am mourning a loss. and that is ok. i will accept these feelings with validity and then take action, whatever that may be. i will turn it over and relinquish my control, understanding that i don’t yet know the full picture.

let’s just hope this book club meeting will be more upbeat than i am today. i knew i had to get these feelings out here so i wouldn’t end up a crying mess tonight. that may still happen. it’s not a good day -in my book- unless i’ve visited the entire emotional spectrum. my daily cry-time is right in the book club slot so the probability of it happening is looking good…

school dayz

we tackled our convergence with traditional education in these past weeks.

while other parents snapped cute photos of their little ones posed neatly in front of signs THIS is what i had to work with


let’s take a closer look at those facial expressions


ha ha. yeah, well she’s really going to regret it when i make her come back to this sign EVERY YEAR on the first day of school and reenact these photos. i mean it.

despite what these pictures portray, her first week of school went off without a hitch. in fact, these pics are taken from orientation day, at which she tried to keep us from coming in the room with her. she just held up her hands and said “bye, guys. bye.”  right after these shots she wanted to clarify “soooo….the next time we come to school you’re just going to drop me off and then leave, right?”

it seems we’ve both been looking forward to a little time apart. i’m happy to have a little girl who is well adjusted and ready to be independent.

we had time the following school day, the first official day of school, to snap a few nice ones:




i tried to honor her wishes with a quick goodbye on the first day but i did snap this shot of her right before she strapped all three baby dolls on herself. she’s a tiny, baby-wearing enthusiast.

for the record, i prefer those shots of darla next to the sign over any first-day-of-school conventional poses.