expectations

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expectations. collective sigh, right?

i could venture to say that 99% of the hurdles in my daily life are based in that title word. i have expectations about EVERYTHING. i have them about my daughter, my husband, family, friends, house, career, strangers, elected officials, products, religions, and even of you, dear reader.

however my biggest expectations are for myself. i expect myself to be a certain person, to behave in a certain way, to always look stylish, forever be young, to achieve certain things, accomplish much, fail at little. i can accomplish ten things in a day and beat myself up about the 11th thing i didn’t get done.

it’s exhausting and nonsensical.

i’ve been focusing attention and meditating about this certain area of myself for some time now and i have to admit i still don’t have many answers but what i do have is more awareness. and for that i am thankful. i am aware when i am setting myself up for failure, disappointment and resentment by creating some bar that is unattainable.

you see this is in my brain and on my heart right now because of our move and our new house. i have expectations of how i want it to look and what this move will mean and do for our family. and as i’m painting and taping off walls i can’t for the life of me decide if it’s worth it to make the space our own or if it is wasted effort spent on something superficial.

i guess i will have the answer to that when the time is right. but what i hope for is the courage to be a little gentler on myself and others. maybe one day i will be strong enough to let go of what i think things should look, feel and be like and see things just as they are.

when i’m ready, i’ll get there.

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2 thoughts on “expectations

  1. Sometimes, when I recall how difficult it was for me to learn algebra (though geometry made very clear sense and I was amazed at how easily I learned that) I realize that it prepared me so much for not being able to live up to my own expectations. I learned it well enough to make decent scores on the SAT but I know I never truly learned it or understood what I was doing…..did not live up to my own expectations in that area. I did attend a second session during my study hall during the year I took Algebra II since I wanted to qualify for a college that required that level. And even though it didn’t get the results (understanding what I was doing) I desired I accomplished earning the credit to get accepted at Purdue ( a goal I didn’t actually clearly set as I felt it couldn’t be a possibility for me financially). So……I recommend, based on my own life experience, that if you feel driven to accomplish something that you go for it and put effort into it. If you are capable of doing it you will get results. Sometimes the payoff is not direct. Oddly the consequences of hard work can even backfire. But you will know that you made the effort. You will know it meant something to you and you did it to please yourself and hopefully achieve a personal goal. You may not achieve that goal but you will accomplish something worthy. I encourage you to continue to have high expectations and to applaud yourself on what you do achieve….and I agree that you lighten up on not getting it all done but don’t back down and lower your expectations. Keep striving.

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