this can’t be that blog

i’ve been blogging now for quite some time. my voice has ebbed and flowed along the way but at the current moment i feel strong in my narratives with this blog. i spend a good deal of time looking at blogs around these interwebs and have a handful of regular reads. my interests for blogs seem to be wide-reaching but in essence they’re all the same: mom blogs. or lady blogs. there are so many blogs out there, i get excited when i stumble upon a new one that i actually like and feel a connection with.

and i get bummed when i stumble upon one that i think is gonna be great…because it looks great…pretty pics and whatevs…and then the content is severely lacking. the blogs i feel the most connected to are the ones that really tell the story of the person behind the pages. i don’t dig blogs filled with DIYs and recipes. do people really read blogs for those things? don’t get me wrong, the blogs i follow most closely include those things occasionally but the meat of it lies in the writing and the storytelling. that’s the purpose of a personal blog, right?

well, to each his/her own. i guess i have no authority to make sweeping judgements about what should and should not go into a personal blog. i am voicing my preference and where my connections lie.

and i know that even though things like DIYs and product reviews can make a blog successful, this can’t be a blog like that. this space is here for me to tell my story. maybe this space can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

but it can be my cup of tea.  i’m not ashamed to say i really love creating this blog. i feel like i’m just starting to scratch the surface of giving what i can to these words and posts. i look back at my posts from certain points over the years and wonder “who was that person? where was my voice?” and it reminds me of how lost i’ve been at times on this journey. i’m thankful to feel grounded and confident in putting myself out there at this point in time and i want to capture that. whether it be by exposing my blossoming belly or my burgeoning soul, i’m going to put ME in these posts.

and i hope that in years to come i’ll look back and be so much more proud of that than i would have entries about cheese dip.

although…i do have a great recipe for cheese dip…

{and as always, thanks for reading and allowing me to tell my story. i hope i’ve not let either of us down thus far.}
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expectations

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expectations. collective sigh, right?

i could venture to say that 99% of the hurdles in my daily life are based in that title word. i have expectations about EVERYTHING. i have them about my daughter, my husband, family, friends, house, career, strangers, elected officials, products, religions, and even of you, dear reader.

however my biggest expectations are for myself. i expect myself to be a certain person, to behave in a certain way, to always look stylish, forever be young, to achieve certain things, accomplish much, fail at little. i can accomplish ten things in a day and beat myself up about the 11th thing i didn’t get done.

it’s exhausting and nonsensical.

i’ve been focusing attention and meditating about this certain area of myself for some time now and i have to admit i still don’t have many answers but what i do have is more awareness. and for that i am thankful. i am aware when i am setting myself up for failure, disappointment and resentment by creating some bar that is unattainable.

you see this is in my brain and on my heart right now because of our move and our new house. i have expectations of how i want it to look and what this move will mean and do for our family. and as i’m painting and taping off walls i can’t for the life of me decide if it’s worth it to make the space our own or if it is wasted effort spent on something superficial.

i guess i will have the answer to that when the time is right. but what i hope for is the courage to be a little gentler on myself and others. maybe one day i will be strong enough to let go of what i think things should look, feel and be like and see things just as they are.

when i’m ready, i’ll get there.