expectations

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expectations. collective sigh, right?

i could venture to say that 99% of the hurdles in my daily life are based in that title word. i have expectations about EVERYTHING. i have them about my daughter, my husband, family, friends, house, career, strangers, elected officials, products, religions, and even of you, dear reader.

however my biggest expectations are for myself. i expect myself to be a certain person, to behave in a certain way, to always look stylish, forever be young, to achieve certain things, accomplish much, fail at little. i can accomplish ten things in a day and beat myself up about the 11th thing i didn’t get done.

it’s exhausting and nonsensical.

i’ve been focusing attention and meditating about this certain area of myself for some time now and i have to admit i still don’t have many answers but what i do have is more awareness. and for that i am thankful. i am aware when i am setting myself up for failure, disappointment and resentment by creating some bar that is unattainable.

you see this is in my brain and on my heart right now because of our move and our new house. i have expectations of how i want it to look and what this move will mean and do for our family. and as i’m painting and taping off walls i can’t for the life of me decide if it’s worth it to make the space our own or if it is wasted effort spent on something superficial.

i guess i will have the answer to that when the time is right. but what i hope for is the courage to be a little gentler on myself and others. maybe one day i will be strong enough to let go of what i think things should look, feel and be like and see things just as they are.

when i’m ready, i’ll get there.

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