yesterday, i got to peek at the person who makes this belly swell and round. it was my first and only ultrasound of this pregnancy. this baby has done a beautiful job growing. but i’m glad that i don’t need an ultrasound everyday to know that. i have a daily reminder and it’s there every time i look down.
i love this baby and i love this motherly body. i love this belly swell. bring it on, baby. round me out.
pregnancy is probably not a good time to start a juice cleanse, right? i wish juice bars weren’t so damn expensive because i feel slightly addicted to fresh juices right now. i also feel a bit guilty at how wasteful juicing seems but then i take a sip and the sweet nectar hits my taste buds and washes away every bad feeling leaving pure joy. PURE JOY.
so this is only happening for me about once a week because of said financial commitment. and because i don’t really know more than one juice bar in town and it’s a little out of my way. Oh no! I just googled and found a new one that looks delicious and fun and probably where cool people hang out. i’m gonna have to go there tomorrow now…
anyway, so yeah, i don’t have to verbalize why juice is good during pregnancy because it’s juice and we all know it’s good. and it’s fresh. and so damn expensive.
can i get a juice bar to sponsor my third trimester please?
all the frustration from last weekend over arrested productivity melted away this weekend. it’s hard not to feel enthused about a weekend that begins with donuts. and it’s hard not to feel productive during a weekend that you’re hosting such helpful visitors. my parents are such a support and a help to my growing family. i was very thankful and happy to have them visit us this weekend. months ago, when we had just moved into a new house and i subsequently found out i was growing a person, i felt a little at loss at how i was going to pull everything together.
and to be truthful, it’s not all together but it’s getting there. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. and i’m feeling like we MIGHT just have a good deal of life progress completed before we settle down to meet this new human. i’m not quite ready but i’m feeling confident that i will be soon. which is more than i can say for when i was expecting darla.
i remember mike and i having a conversation on the way to the hospital for my birthing time with d and discussing how we hoped it was a false alarm. we were not ready. there are days that i’m still not ready for the force that is Darla in my life but this moment in time feels…bear with me for this analogy… like the effects of a shot of warm liquor*. it spreads through you reaching to the tips of your toes and fingers slowly until you’re warm all over and you have this calmness that says “this is right and this is good.” that’s what the conclusion of this weekend feels like. i’m feeling right and i’m feeling good.
and i wouldn’t be in this mentality if it weren’t for all the helpers and support i have in my life. my parents, my husbeau, neighbors and friends and even my little helper that helped {somewhat, sometimes} getting projects accomplished this weekend. my weekend even consisted of helpers i’d never met before since i attended the birth without fear meet-up on saturday. it was an inspiring day and it helped me put a finger on some of the things i’m working through with this pregnancy.
oh gawd. you know you’re in your 3os when you are looking back at your weekend and are excited about the gardening and painting instead of the parties and the concerts.
but it was fulfilling and it was progress and i am thankful. and i am in my 30s. so this is right and this is good.
low lighting gave our pictures this week that fuzzy look, which is ok because that’s how our week felt. anyone else have a fuzzy week?
normal life rolls on out and the magic is in the small stuff: washing up and organizing saved baby items, visiting the market with my girl for a waffle reward as a stimulus after i’d been out late at a birth, watching darla take on the pottery wheel. you can see that girl means business. i think my favorite little life detail is in that second photo up there. the ever so slight arch in darla’s eyebrow as she takes in the enormity of her donut. i wasn’t going to include this last photo of myself {that darla took} until i noticed that i, too, have that slight arch of my eyebrow present in that image.
that might be the most important thing that happened in my week. even though much grander life events took place this week, transitions and births and responsibilities, that small shared trait trumps them all. there’s little in life so poetic as the slight arching of a woman’s brow. those few centimeters can mean the difference between living and existing.
*i’m sending out my gratitude for the living that took place this week
…and for the existing.
i hope you had a good one. all my best for your weekend.*
i’m lacking in baby bump selfie creativity this morning after being out at a birth until late last night. i thought i’d just do an updated version of this previous bump day to see how we’re progressing here. i can still see my feet! but you can tell there’s a roundness and fullness now that reaches up into my abdomen.
sitting here looking down at my rounded and mounded body has me filled with such gratitude that i am a woman. in a world where women can be portrayed as jumbles of sharp angles and points, i’m happy to be here with curves representing the circular properties of womanhood that i cherish deeply.
don’t judge. it’s so good.
my old friend, poptarts-with-butter-pregnancy-craving, is back. it’s not so bad because butter is a health food again, right?
there’s only so many leafy greens and carrot sticks a mom can eat before she breaks down and gnaws a poptart.
these are the moments i want to remember. i fear i give moments like these too little importance in my mind. it’s hard when so much of life seems to be planned around big events, get-togethers and commitments, which have their rightful place in life. but i am in love with the moments like these from our weekend:
like remembering that husband is my daughter’s chosen companion in the early morning hours. making coffee and breakfast for my family during our weekend mornings. darla receiving a music history / art history lesson over the breakfast table. listening to one of my favorite voices in the world in a friends living room. seeing richard buckner’s living room show this weekend was a highlight {if you have a chance to go to a living room show at some point, please do}. going on a tea & scones relaxation date when we were feeling squirrely {she} and unsatisfied with productivity at home {me}. husbeau gifting us with patti smith’s easter and singing along with darla, who had been listening to gremlins on her player earlier. but my most cherished moments of the weekend were going through saved baby items and uncovering little pieces of the past. like those boots. gawwww. i’m tearing up over here writing and thinking of how big my little girl is but one time, long ago, she stomped around in these when she first got to stompin.’ and now i’m going to put another baby in them.
life just kills me with the small moments. thanks for taking in these ones that mean so much to me.
*hope you had a wonderful weekend. wishing you a stellar week*
a
small
collection
of moments
from our week.
in my journal this week i wrote a list of the things i want my life to be about:
love. beauty. passion. gratitude. and the human spirit.
i think we did pretty ok getting that all in there.
* i hope you enjoy a lovely weekend *
we’ve returned to the great outdoors for our days, finally. these days have been bittersweet as i know that, at least for now, this chapter of our free wheelin’ unschooling days is coming to a close. it’s the right decision for us at this moment and i have high hopes that we’ll see darla in the right atmosphere for the next phase of her education experiment. because that’s what it is in the end right? an experiment? each generation comes along with ideas and tests them out in the big experiment that is the evolution of the human species so i don’t have to worry about making *the right decision* for her. it’s all a gamble, no matter which way you slice it. i feel like education is one of those areas of life that many people take staunch stances, sure that their way is the best but from where i stand i feel like it’s all a gamble. it’s all a dance and at some point it’s time for this group number to narrow down to a solo effort. i feel darla has lent her voice towards the desire to try out school so that’s what we’ll do.
and it doesn’t feel as heavy as it once did. i’m not stressed. i feel that as she’s grown older and come into her autonomy these decisions that we’re supposed to navigate are not as loaded as they once were. one of my main goals as a parent is to be able to trust that my daughter has what she needs inside of her to create her own path and that she always has. that is just where i’m at with this journey. a few years back i felt like i could feel the weight of every decision as we pressed on into the future. now i’m more at peace with the fact that it’s really my daugther’s right to figure out how the path of her own life is going to run. she must be her own and i must be my own. i’m settling into this role of “guide” much better than i ever have felt as “mom.” as darla told her friend the other day “no ones the boss of me. my mom and dad just help me figure out how to be the boss of myself.”
maybe i can get this next child to call me mother-guide.
so this leaves us with one last summer, one last summer of flexibility and adventure. this leaves us a few short months of mother + daughter roaming until we all go through the very big learning experience of incorporating another human into this fold. how’s that for unschooling?
and then i’ll get to start this all over again. and who knows, if we get a year of school under our belt and find it’s not the best fit and we find a way for me to be able to accomplish my work as well as help two children educate themselves then maybe we’ll take that path.
maybe not. it’s all a great experiment, after all.
until this past week of glorious weather i had no idea how essential being out of doors would be for me to feel connected to this pregnancy.
being outside has always been an essential part of my well-being, i think. i remember choosing hours of play outside over television or indoor play. in my motherhood, i’ve tried to get darla outside and into the wild as much as possible. i feel more at peace outside and my brain functions differently than when i’m cooped up inside.
beginning this pregnancy at the start of this very long, harsh winter was pretty rough on me. darla was a january baby born in a slightly warmer climate so i was out and about for the first 2 trimesters with her and still pretty active during the last trimester, heck we even walked down to the Obama inauguration 2 weeks before I was due. it seemed a little more normal to have lots of activity in early pregnancy and to hunker down a bit more during the last stretch. having the opposite happen with this pregnancy has not been easy.
i don’t function so well indoors. i get a little crazed about organization and overwhelmed by how many items are in our household. i have it in my heart hopes that i’ll move to a warmer climate someday that allows for outdoor adventure year round. but let’s bring it back to the fact that this week has shifted me back into focus for preparing for this birth.
so we’ve been out every day since it’s been possible. i can say without a doubt that sunshine, fresh air and green living things are going to be quite necessary for me to bring this baby into this world. and now i’m feeling oh so happy to be having a summer baby.
i’ve gotten my mocs out on walks. alone. it seems essential to my spiritual being to spend time alone in nature. i think it’s always been part of my personal faith practices to spend time alone in the wilderness, contemplating the small habitats of the tiny creatures juxtaposed to the vastness of the earth and the heavens. it’s important to my spiritual being to feel connected to it all. i just find that hard to do cooped up inside walls.
i feel it all coming together and it feels good. the reawakening of the earth is resonating deep inside me and i feel more connected now than ever before. how wonderful it was to feel this life quicken and grow inside me just as the earth started to do the same. how wonderful to feel this baby gain strength and see my belly bloom just as the blossoms appear in our world. and i can only imagine how wonderful it will feel to have life burst forth at just about the time when all life in the northern hemisphere is at its peak.
i’m so thankful that the world within me is connected to the world without me.
momjeanz 