— on pause —

this feels like a life in limbo. i feel rooted to the ground, unable to make movement in any direction until this new being is born. there are so many things, goals, i would like to be working towards but for some reason, i can’t.  it feels like someone is not only inhabiting my body but taking up my brain as well, giving me only enough power to get from day-to-day and remain focused on bringing this new life here.

and while i understand this is the way nature has designed and intended it to be for me as a mother, it still leaves me feeling inadequate. i want to make so much out of this life and it seems like i’m always out of reach of my goals. i need to seek the serenity that will help me be satisfied with the here and now instead of constantly longing for my life to be somehow different.

being unable to move is so terribly exhausting. i mean this both figuratively and literally. i can’t move my body in the ways i’d like anymore. i can’t move my mind with the agility i used to have. i feel that i can’t move my life in the direction i’d like it to go. i just don’t have the energy. and i don’t know when i will again.

i’m seeking some positive energy to be at peace with this life on pause. i’m seeking solace in knowing that it really is only for a short while. i’m seeking the willingness to accept my powerlessness over my life in these next few weeks. i want to invoke the magnificence of the current moment into my consciousness and forget about the future.

if only the rest of the world could join me in doing so…

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5 thoughts on “— on pause —

  1. So eloquently written, Elaine! You put into words how I feel during every pregnancy. I often refer to the pregnancy and the first year with a newborn as “lost” years. I lose them, myself, but it’s really because I’m giving them to someone else (baby). I’m so excited for you – can’t wait to see pics of the new babe :).

    • thanks, MFD. It’s nice to hear I’m not alone with these feelings. And you’re right, my focus, energy and attention are being given to someone else and i gotta remember that is temporary.

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