i am thinking of giving up the quantitative resolutions i made for this year and starting on a new project called slithering out from under this guilt rock. seriously, i’ve been habitating there for 3 years. yes, in this metaphor i am a snake. it works because snakes live under rocks and because snakes are kinda sexy, right?
so i’m a sexy snake living under a guilt rock. how do i become a sexy snake living freely under the sun? yes, that is the life objective.
i feel like i live life in a constant state of guilt. it mainly has to do with a 36-inch-tall being walking around my house yelling things like “mom, will you tie this dinky tail around me so i can be a little?”
why does parenting have to come with such a guilt package. and why does it have to be ridiculously crushing? here is a non-itemized list of things i am at any given time or have been at any time or WILL be at any time feeling guilty about:
not spending enough time with darla. spending too much time with darla. buying her too many things. not buying her enough. not living in a bigger city. not living on a farm. not living in a log cabin in the woods. not living in france. not providing her with a nanny that speaks 3 languages. not breastfeeding her longer. not sleep training her earlier. not co-sleeping longer. not growing our own vegetables. not having her in school already. putting her into school too early. putting her into school at all. putting her into the wrong school. sending her to public. sending her to private. not enrolling her in more activities. enrolling her in too many activities. letting her be too independent. not letting her be independent enough. not raising chickens.
if i kept typing i could come up with probably 1043 ways that i will/have screw(ed) up her life. i really think that our generation of parents has so much more guilt riding on our shoulders than previous generations. there are certainly more standards for what makes you a good parent and those standards seem unachievable. at least, to me they do.
but i can’t change that.
i can only change how it effects me. i’ve been trying to put a lot of time and thought and research towards evolving into someone who just doesn’t care. if i can stop caring about all the standards then i may just be able to slink out from under this guilt boulder.