i realize that once i put something out onto the internet and out into the universe it stays there forever. most of these posts are laden with motherly woe and frustration. i want to give you something more than that when you finally read all this.

when you were 4 months old i could get you to laugh more than anyone else. that was one of the proudest achievements of my life.

you are much smarter than i am or will ever be.

the most fortunate aspect of my staying home with you is i feel these past three years have taken their time. i don’t look back saying “wow, time flies.” i get to spend every day with you – almost – and i feel our long days creep by like sap on a tree. i think this means we’re doing at least something right.

sometimes i pull you out of bed at night and bring you in to sleep next to me because i miss you. i feel the weight of frustrations voiced and reprimands dealt during the day and i feel compelled to bring you to my side so that maybe i can erase some of that through osmosis. it seems like peaceful times are rare during this toddlerhood conjuncture so co-sleeping can sometimes be a salve on my parental guilt wounds. and other times you kick me in the face at 3 am.

you are wild to the core. i know this because i am wild, too. part of my frustrations of motherhood are the reigns that have been placed on me that weren’t there before. i think that if you and i were left to our own devices we’d whirl ourselves into oblivion like mad dervishes. but you are pulling on my reigns and i’m tugging on yours. together we will balance each other. you will guide me and i will guide you. i just hope that neither of us are blind b/c then we’ll never be able to find that water that we probably won’t drink.  i hope your spirit will always be free. i look forward to seeing you as a young woman. i anticipate the metamorphosis of your spark into a full fledged blaze. we’ll compare flames for a few years and then i’ll be able to bask in the warmth of your glow while mine recedes to smoldering embers.

when i’m away from you all i can do is think about you.

i love you.

you are beautiful.

i love you.

you are intelligent.

i love you.

you are amusing.

i love you.

you are free.

i love you the most.